20T: I did it

Hey guys

I gotta say Im really nervous to write this post, but I can't help but smile..

So Friday night one of our friends had a party at his place.. I went with my friend Micki.. naturally we arrived like 3 hours into the party.. as soon as we drove by the house we saw everyone chillen outside and i saw actor-friend. I saw it in his eyes, and my heart started pumpen and my adrenalin was rushing.. so micki and I went into the party and actor-friend and I were ignoring each other... it was all good until we had a quick conversation and he got short with me.. and I was like what? and hes like well whats new with u kinda rudely.. I mentioned that I had some issues with Ken.. and he kinda lightened up but asked questions.. i told him that Ken walked in on me naked.. and that hes been.. intense.. lately. i dono i didnt really get a chance to explain as Ken came over and dragged me away.. but the rest of the night wasnt so great with actorfriend.. we were like fighting about nothing, and I was really getten hurt cuz i didnt understand his real reason for being so pissy..

eventually everyone left the party. and it was just him micki and i back at my place.. micki siad she was leaving but couldnt find her keys.. actorfriend jumped up to help her find them and was like rapidly searching.. which gave me a lil hope.. as it was almost like he wanted to talk to me..

anyways so micki left.. and he sat down beside me.. and started talken to me, or yellen at me about Ken.. apparently Ken said all this shit to actorfrien.. like i was hitting on him, and trying to hook up with him,, and talking about having sex with him.. and actorfriend was so pissed off, telling me how could i replace him with Ken, he had a whole rant.. i was dumbfounded.. when he finally shut up it took me like an hour to explain everything that happened. then he was really pissed at Ken and really sorry to me. he said he never gelt so jelous in his life. and he couldnt believe how upset it made him, and all this stuff.. i dono we had a great conver.. it was like 3am so i asked him if he wanted to go for a drive.. which obv he did.. so we took off to go "pick up his car"..

20T: It must be me

Hey guys

First off.. new news...

ok so Ken and I have started to hang out since he got a "free show".. lol.. but he's really into sports and so am I, so I have been bringing him out to vball and badminton with me, and we've been talking about playing tennis, goen for runs etc etc together, since we both want to get into shape and he lives right around the corner.. and since hubby refuses to move his butt off the couch I was really excitied to have a work-out buddy. anyways well Ken has been flirting pretty heavily with me, and I mean I'm all for joking around but he seems to be crossing the line.. but I keep laughing at all his plays or try to ignore the cruder comments.. well by ignor i just look at him, blush, and say "ah" and try to give them impression that I cant respond to that..

He keeps talking about how good in bed he is, how we should hook up, how he wants to do things to me... like I dono how things got so far in just 2 weeks... he chats to me all the time through facebook, and calls me out when I dont write him back right away. Last weekend everyone was over partying, and he shoved me into my bedroom, throws me on the bed, and was like "I hear u like it rough" and he like held my down for 2 secs then left me. but at first I just played it off like whatever, he was drunk. and all these flirty conversations like we're just hanging out and haven fun.. but then he facebooks me today about how he knows we should hook up, how it cant just be him feeling this way, he wants me so bad.

Like what the hell! am I that niave or something? of all people I wouldnt think Ken would do this, especially considering, his gf just cheated on him for 3 months with his bestfriend, and he was so devestated when he found out.. then he goes and starts this with my huby? and im married! seriously do I walk around with a "fuck me" sign? Obv I like to flirt, and hangout with guys. but I'm never serious about anything I say, with the exception of actor-friend.. but can we plz leave that out for now? are guys really that easy? do they take everything seriously? Will they jump on any opportuntity if u make it out to be a small window of hope? I mean what can I do? live in a box? I think almost everyone of hubbys friends has hit on me now. like is that normal? am I bating them? like im feeling clueless and trashy right now.

what am I doing wrong here? I do not want to hook up with Ken, not one bit. not at all. not thats he not a good looking guy or anything. But I just wouldnt. I need some serious therapist advice right now.. I obv havent written back to him yet.. I guess I'm not going to, as what do I say? seriously what would you say? keep in mind I dont want to rock the boat. I dont want Ken to get pissy, I dont want hubby to lose his friends..

Second thing,

Thanks to everyone for your comments, I really do appreicate them, and I totally understand what your saying. of course I do not want to hurt hubby. I ove him with all my heart, hes my world. hes everything I got. I dono whats up with actor-friend, why I feel the way I do, and why I cant kick him outta my head.. I just cant Ive tried and tried, I think about him all the time dream about him all the time. and I shouldnt. so how do I change that? how do I get over whatever this is?

I gotta say, I'm supposed to be seeing him tonight at a party, and I'd be lying if I said that I haven't been looking forward to it all week..

I mean get outta my head man.. problem is hes in my heart too..

20T: Still playing the game..

Hey guys,

Sorry it's been a while, I totally forgot about this blog..

Things have been the same pretty much.. I threw a surprise bday party for actor-friend on the weekend. It was pretty awesome. We did our usual thing... couldn't find a moment alone..

I dono what happened... last time I was on this thing I was so over him, and knew it was a lust thing.. then the next weekend hubby and I hung out with him just the 3 of us, and I fell for him pretty hard all over again..

I dono what to do with myself.. I can't figure out how I feel but I think about him all the time and dream about him almost everynight..

anyways he left his guitar at our place on the weekend, so I decided to learn! I can play a bit of oasis-wonderwall and goo goo dolls-slide.. I was pretty impressed LOL

in other news.. Ken came over, a half an hour earlier then hubby said he would.. and he walked in on me naked.. and not even in some sexy position or anything.. hahaa anyways we both laughed it off.. but deff something goen on there..

anyways we'll see what happens this weekend.. i'm diing to get actor-friend alone.. i dono if it will happen, but i need it too..

oddly enough things with hubby and i are better then ever.. i am so F'd in the head..

20T: Boyz a poppen outta the woodwork!

Hey Girls,

Well I haven't updated at all since I thought I deleted this blog... seeing that I didn't do it right... here's what's new!

So I haven't spoken to Micki since she and actor-friend had their mid-night rendvouz at my house..

I don't know if I'm jelous or if I'm pissed off about the underwear-PJ incident...

So after actor-friend sent me that facebook msg.. I didn't reply back, and actually all week I was getting along so good with my hubby I completely pushed actor-friend out of my mind.. I was completely over it.

Then on Friday night all the guys came over, I didnt even really hang out with them I wasnt interested. I only came down to say g-nite and I got a bunch of gawks from the guys ( I had a black tshirt and pink mini-shorts PJs.. )

So whatever, I wasnt really interested, but more pissed off from the lack of attention from him..

Then Sat night the guys came over again for UFC. I sat down with them, but actor-friend hardly paid any attention. At one point we were sitten beside each other, but I moved after a lil bit. It felt awkward. So the night went on and I could see actor-friend was getting drunk, he started to do those little glances my way, then we were full out staring at each other when we caught a moment..

By the end of the night it was 4 in the morning, and everyone had gone home, except for Bill and Joe. Of course Joe wouldnt want to leave us alone.. anyways actor-friend kept trying to kiss me when we would get to be alone for a few seconds, I kept laughing at him and pushing him back..

I had no intentions of kissing him... anyways finally Bill took Joe home and we were really left alone.

Then actor-friend just started going on about how I drive him crazy, the PJS I wore last night made him wild, he keeps dreaming of me, and he has to try so hard to not even look at me when hes over to make sure we dont get caught, that he loves me... and he keeps trying to kiss me, and I wont give in. I talk to him about micki, and how it was just gross. even tho its not my place, i regret saying anything, why should i care if he dates?

anyways so I ask him if he thinks im his soul mate. he said yes. I told him he wasnt mine.. adam was.. but i dono,. I cant help feeling that hes full of shit. anyways so finally i gave in and made out with him.. i didnt want to, and when we were kissing i didnt feel anything, not like i used to. i was just purly discusted with myself. anyways then i noticed he had his jeans un zipped... like holy eager.. i announced i had to go to bed.. then left..

I am confused as anything here.

I felt so guilty the next day.

I never felt guilty before.

I did not enjoy making out with him. Yet I like the attention I get from him. I am super screwed up here.
Does he love me? Is this guy for real? or is he just trying to get in my pants? lol .clueless. I mean if he just wants to get in my pants then thats fine i know how to treat this relation ship and him, but if he really does love me this could me dangerous. he did ask me if I had sex with someone else. and I was like yea hubby obv... and hes like no besides that.. have you cheated on me? and then he went all giddy, laughing at what he said... so I didnt know how to read that either..

the next day he emailed me to send him the pics we took..

anyways i dono what to do. more importantly i dont know how i feel. Do I like him?

in the summer I was in love with him, that I'm sure.. now I feel like I'm over him but I like the attention? help please!

Anyways in other news.. I went to vball on Monday, a few guys to flirt with there... and then I seen this guy on tuesday that i've seen on the bus before a few times.. we just locked eyes, and then smiled and looked away.. hes got really gorgeous eyes! but I havent seen him since.. and finally this guy I had a major crush on in college called me up at work and asked me out for lunch.. i went with him.. we had a good time.. lastly, I went to Tim Hortons today and I seen this guy I had chatted too at New Years forever, that actor-friend made leave... GUYS ARE JUST POPPEN OUT OF THE WOOD WORK!

Seriously what is my problem!

I am so in love with hubby right now, we are getting along so great! Why are there always so many distractions? and the worst part is, if there wernt any, I prob would be depressed... I am so Fucked up.

20T: Predicting the Downfall

So this weekend, again hubby and I didn't do much. We've been sittin in the jacuzzi all week, going to bed early its been really nice. We were plannen a major vacation but we decided against it due to finances. we want to save.. so Sat we went shoppen! We bought a fancy camera, rented a ton of movies, and got some new clothes. Once again supposed to be an uneventful weekend.. then I get a call from Micki. She wanted to come over as she was super upset thinking about her ex BF whome she broke up with from Cali. So she came over and we watched a bunch of movies (She doesnt have TV at home and therefore thats all she wants to do!) It was like 12:30 and I was dyiing to go to bed! so I told her that and asked her if she was gonna head out.. hint hint! anyways so she says NO! says shes gonna stay the night if thats cool.. and well i guess so what am I gonna say? (I hate been crampen in on my weekend time alone!) so she stays over and borrows a pair of PJ pants.

well the next morning hubby and I were up early... usually Sun morning romp but we couldnt since we knew micki was in the next room.. so he went downstairs and I went out to make coffee and grab our new camera. well to my absolute shock when I walk out of my bedroom and smack bang into Actor-friend. I took a double take and rubbed my eyes. He's like "..hey.." I just stared, and then smiled and said hey, grabbed my camera and retreated into the dining room. THAT LITTLE SLUT!!! I had given her actor-friends number right before Micki went to bed. since she said she had been talking to him. she has been so moopy over her xbf whom she dumped but has no problem climbing into bed with the next guy!!! I couldnt believe it! anyways actor-friend came in to talk to me and I was cool and level-headed. He said something about how hott I looked in my morning hair and I mumbled thanks and then took off to find hubby.

byt the end of the morning they both stayed and watched another ovie with hubby and I. I had found mickis pantys in the middle of the living room floor - which my dog was chewing on and I was just discusted... I found out they had only chatted and not hooked up, just slept in the same bed. And she hadnt worn any underwear with my PJs which I thought was mor unhygenic and discusting and I told her to keep them and shes never borrowing anything from me again.. (you just have to know her.. I love her, but she is not the cleanest person, and that grossed me out to no end!) also grossed me out that actor-friend would do anything with her.. she is so gross. So I have mentally washed my hands of him... I feel like I may puke out of discust.

Anyways so micki and actor-friend finally left. I go on my facebook like an hour later and theres a msg from actor-friend tellin me how smoking hott I looked that morning and that wow and shit. I just deleted it. sounded like something a player would do trying to patch up the fact that he was caught. even tho he knew I would see him becuase he stayed at my house. but dont play friends against friends.

anyways I had already decided that I was over him because we just found out that Greg and Kens gf had been sneaking around on Ken. its caused this huge riff in the circle of friends (obv) and I decided right then and there I wasnt going to be the next to do that.. and now that actor-friends w/ micki weather or not he used her as an excuse to see me... I'm done. even if he never touched her. she is just so dirty.

Anyways so this was more a bitch-out then a post but meh... hope u all had a good weekend!

20T: Who's Who

Well since I have been writing this for a while now, I thought I'd bring you all up-to-speed on who the players are in this story. That, and so I can remember everyone's pseudonym

Me - married to hubby - has crush on actor-friend, continually boycrazy, and trying to do the inevitable.. “find myself”
Micky - one of my girlfriends - just came back from Cali, also seems to have a crush on actor-friend and Joe
Emma - my best friend - currently married and having a baby
Lacy - girlfriend - has a boyfriend, hooked up with actor-friend a few times
Tia - girlfriend - married, has hooked up with Ken and Joe (before marriage)
Paris - girlfriend - almost hooked up with Greg

Hubby - married to me - all around funny and great guy
Joe - hubbys bestfriend - nice guy, down to earth, looks out for everyone, hooked up with Tia
Actor-friend - hubbys close friend - gorgeous, actor/model, hooked up with Lacy, and maybe Micki, and me
Ken - hubbys friend - dating a girl, hooked up with Tia, flirts with me
Joel - hubbys friend - hates women right now, knocked up a girl, used to flirt with me
Greg - hubbys friend - super nice guy, is in love with Kens girlfriend

Alright so theres the main players.

20T: Balls-y

Well this weekend certainly wasn't supposed to be an interesting one... in fact I was quite upset about it and resorted to watching Top Gun yet again to fantasize about actor-friend. I love him, really, I know it now.. but right... cant have him...

so since hubby and I were getten over being sick we had cancelled all plans for the weekend, but as Sat afternoon rolled around we were getting stir-crazy! bored out of our minds! so a bunch of our friends were goen out for dinner for Ken's bday then there was this comedy/dance show thing afterwards (that I had originaly got everyone to buy tickets for, then I ended up bailing)... hubby and I debated weather to go then decided what the hey... we can always go home. Well when we got there actor-friend was there and I was in heaven.. like usual I tried to play it cool but I was just so excitied to see him. He was buggen hubby and I to go to the comedy show.. even tho we wernt sure we ended u going, and lucky me hubby ended up driven Joe and actor-friend there. Well guess who got to sit in the backseat beside each other! haha actor-friend and I, "the two lightest" was my reasoning.. anyways so things went for an interesting spin here... normally I dont push my luck and play it cool but we were talking about our core group of friends and how awesome it is. Just as we were pullen into the club actor-friend said "I just wish there was someone in our group I could get with... " I whispered in his ear "there is" and winked. haha he had this big smile, and grabbed me and gave me a little tickle and mouthed "your bad" as hubby sitten in the front of the car. so anyways we go in and sit in our groups.. the comedy was the worst I had ever heard, not one laugh! I was picken out girls for actor-friend to try to hit on. then I got bored of that and decided to hang out with the girls to get some attention and try to make him jelous.. seemed to work... for the rest of the night we kept "banging into each other" at the bar.. touching base and chatten. at one point we were talking about how he doesnt have a gf and he just looked at me, and said "if it wasnt for hubby you'd be mine" chills ran up my spine and butterflies were spinnin in my tummy. alls I said back was "that reason isnt good enough"... then ended up walking away...

i mean i know it is what it is.. im married... to his BF... but I cant help it.. I cant shut my heart off...

anyways so we were dancing and stuff the rest of the night, it was a really great night with actor-friend, hubby, and the rest of our friends..

On the way home things got interesting...
actor-friend was in a bad mood... and I was maken small talk but he was kinda quiet.. or frustrated... humm... anyways so we had a blanket over us cuz it was freezen.. when he grabbed my hand... so we were sitten there holding hands. sliding our fingers up and down each others hands while keepen up a normal conver with Joe and hubby... naturally things picked up and we were soon gropping each other and I had him unzipped and standing at attention... I kept whispering seductive things in his ear and he kept blowen me kisses and staring at me... but in the end that was it, since we couldnt figure out a way to continue our little session...

So thats where we left off last.... I wake up yesturday with a facebook msg "you... you you you you" lol I wrote back, "I think we need to finish what we started" so we will see how this goes.

But it totally made my weekend. I mean stupid I guess, hubbys in the front seat. But doesnt that just prove how much I like this guy? anyways I dono, but I'm already dying to see him again... Hope you guys all had a good weekend!

20T: My life the soap opera

ok So Friday (new Years Day) actor-friend facebooked me back about the story he said it was cool. Then he facebooked me again and asked what my e-mail was and if I'm ever on msn. I gave it to him, but said I'm never on msn but I will go on till the end of the movie i'm watching.. (I just started watching Anne of Green Gables the Sequel.. what can I say, I am a borring good girl at heart)

So I went on and not 2 minutes later he was on, we were both chatting. We talked for 4 hours it was redic. We started at like 7 and continued till 12. It was actually a great chat. although didnt make things easy since the bottom line seemed to be we both want it but its not right so whats the point. Anyways since hubby was going to be at work the next day I told him that.. and he said maybe we could go for coffee. Well I was excitied and freaked out about it. Because then its planned and stuff.. anyways actor-friend said we should sleep on it and he'd call me tomorrow afternoon...well I knew it would never happen, it would just be weird i think..

but tomorrow afternoon rolled around and no phone call came.. like not even the decency to call and bail out.. damn i was hurt. i put my heart out and was hurt. gutted.

well that afternoon my mom popped over, and two different friends popped over, and hubby came home early.. so doublely glad i didnt end up going on a lil date with him.. busted for sure..

Anyways well that night all the guys and Micki came over for a party. but I was kinda upset about what happened. I just felt like a loser.. like I'm gorgeous why do I waste my time on this guy? anyways so I had a whole bottle of wine before everyone even got there.. Micki and I were supposed to go to a movie which obv wasnt even happening any more..
anyways so I tried to be cool and play hard to get and ignor him but I was drunk.. I mean I didnt say much at first.. and eventually we got left alone downstairs for a few minutes and he came up to kiss me. and I turned my face and said thats not what you want. and then he said alright and walked away. and stupidly STUPIDLY I called him back and said it is what I wanted... and we made out..

then I went back upstairs. I went downstairs later looking for something and ran into him. and he was sleeping on the couch and I dont really remember cuz i was tanked but I think there was something about me coming to sleep with him, and I was begging him not to go home.. anyways so I was back upstairs playing a game. Micki went to bed in the spare bedroom, and hubby kicked actor-friend upstairs to sleep with Micki (I coulda killed him) So he was in there for a bit and I could hear giggling and stuff but who am I to get jelous? so I chilled with Joe and we were singing and playing guitar.. and then actor-friend comes out and said something to hubby about him not feeling right about sleeping with Micki. and I was glowing, I totally thought that was meant for me..

anyways ok so the night ended, Joe wouldnt leave us alone so I went to bed. I didnt sleep at all: so afraid actor-friend would leave, I kept waking up and checking to see if he was still there..

Then wen I noticed he did leave I went outside to say goodbye, he couldnt find his keys, I knew where they were but didnt want him to leave. so I helped him find them... finally I gave them to him and he was gone..

I find out later from hubby that actor-friend asked him if he thought Micki would sleep with him...

Micki told me that actor-friend was hitting on her hardcore...and trying to roll her over and kiss her and stuff

Wow. I am way too into this guy... anyways it broke my heart hearing all this stuff.. but I was like common, you make out with hubby, you almost made out with that Greg guy on New years, you would have done the same thing.. but still. I am so into this guy and I cant have him.

So it gets worse, hubby and I end up getting sick and we start watching movies.. well the first one was Jerry McQuire.. and damn Tom looks a but like actorfriend.. actually a lot like actor-friend... no no u are just thinking about him.. then we watched Alpha Dog, and Im like wow emile hursh kinda looks like actor-friend, specially with the scruff..
then I watch top-guy. I had never seen any of these movies before btw (top-gun, jerry mcquire)

wow. Actor-friend looks so so like Tom cruise in top gun, and their personalities are so similar and their body languages and the way he touches that girl and damn.

So I lost it. I ended up watching top gun again last night and cried myself to sleep. Once again I put my heart out when actor-friend pulled his back in.

Like how is that fair?

on the bright side Chad facebooked me... he seemed quite excitied to talk to me, guess I made an empression the other night.

However I dont want to get hurt by Chad. and I gotta stop feeling the way I do with actor-friend

like what the hell. how did i go from being stone cold against the guy to begging him to stay and haven my heart broken.. like obsessed!

I need a backbone and a game plan ladies... any advice?

20T: So much for resoultions...

So New Years, new ideals, new resoultions.

I sat down yesturday to decide on what my new years resoulutions would be. I had quite a few, but the ones worth mentioning is I want to lose 20 more pounds, and I have decided to be faithful. With these clear goals in mind I got ready to celebrate the new year!

We were at a dinner with friends and invited to a house party afterword. I went to the mall and picked up a sexy dress but didnt end up wearing it. Apparently actor-friend wasn't going to be there, he was going up north with some chick. But I really felt like he would be there. It was like it was already starting. However I was ready to give back the ring we exchanged at my wedding and positive that we could be just good buddies. Anyways so hubby and I almost didnt go to the party but after like 10 phonecalls from his friends we ended up going. Ken got me on the phone and was like you have to come actor-boy is going to be there.. like what the heck.. why do people think I care if actor-friend was going to be there... anyways determined to prove that I loved my hubby and that I was a good wife we set off to the party with a bottle of wine in tote.

Now I havent drunk in a while... I didnt even know I could drink, but once we got there all our friends were there and Ken grabbed my bottle of wine, popped her, and poured me a huge glass. So I went and chilled with the ladies.. I was having a great time, drinking and such. And sure enough actor-friend showed up. I didnt say hello at all, I continued chatting away with the girls. I saw his eyes but never met them. Anyways so I moved over to the bar and started chatting with this funny guy named Ricardo and this other boy named Greg. Ken comes over and goes into a loud announcement about how great my boobs looked and how I should cover up but don't.. I laughed it off, but covered up, but kinda worried as his gf was there... anyways so the count down began, I still hadn't talked to actor-friend. But new years went off and I was making out with hubby for quite a while before I started making my rounds with the rest of the guests. Ken grabbed me and was giving me a huge hug and actor-friend came up behind me and was hugging me from behind. Well I guess they got carried away with hands and what not and a few comments about a threesome and Kens girlfriend apparently got super pissed. Anyways so that was it for Ken, he told me he wasnt aloud to talk to me for the rest of the night. Which to me was totally redic. anyways I didnt do anything, he was being a little touchy I guess. anyways so back to actor-friend. so I ended up walking away from actor-friend after the hug and started talking to Greg again. I checked in with hubby a few more times throughout the night and gave him sexy kisses. So anyways I dono what happened but finally actor-friend and I were left alone in a spot. two seconds and we were making out. I ended up walking away from it, throwing my hands up in frustration. Anyways I was out with the girls, when Ken and his gf left, apparently they were still fighting about me, my hubby left with orders to actor-friend to take me home (how convenient), and actor-friend had made Greg leave (apparently he flipped on him for talking to me, so jelous). anyways so I was in the garage having a smoke with the girls, no I dont smoke but I was drunk, and actor-friend came out, after 5 minutes we were left alone again. Started making out again... seriously I dont know what happened....

Anyways so everyone was starting to leave the party it was about 330am and Joe grabs me. He like usual had followed actor-friend and I around the house everytime we were talking, his eyes bored into my back as if to see the thoughts and wants of our hearts. Joe demanded that I come home with him. I just looked at him shoked. I told him hubby asked actor-friend to take me home but he was like no your coming home with us right? I was so shoked and so pissed. Sick and tired of being treated like a child, for always having a bodyguard...

I agreed though, I didnt really want to end up with actor-friend, I really was wanting to be good. anyways I couldnt find my jacket and purse and actor-friend grabed me and was like what are you doing. I said I was going home with Joe, that I didnt want to fight. Then Joe calls over are you coming? And actor-friend freaks on Joe saying hubby asked him to drive me home and that he will in like 20 minutes. I was furious and stormed away from both of them. as if they can have that much control over such a stupid thing. Let me go home with whom I want. Am I child that you can protect? Like what is Joes problem. Anyways today I bitched to hubby all about what happened. All he said was I did ask actor-friend to drive you home. and that Joe and actor-friend both love me in different ways. I do not understand how my hubby is so oblivious. Although with Joe, I know he loves me as a friend, but does he protect me becuz of hubby, or does he hate that actor-friend holds my attention over him. I have yet to figure this out...

Anyways ok so Joe left and actor-friend was taking me home. We left around 400am and 2 seconds into being in the car, we were at it. We drove off to a parking lot, and were making out and what not. The farthest we went, I gave him a BJ, but I didnt even want to I just did because I did and I knew he wanted it. I dono I have mixed feelings about it all. I dono we were out until 7am in that lot. Talking and making out. He kept telling me we should just run away together, that he loved me, that we should go to Vegas and get married. That it killed him that I wasnt talking to him, and that I was talking to Greg earlier in the night. He said he is always drawn to me and he wants to find someone just like me. I mean I kept teasing him with all his comments. But I couldnt say I loved him back. I was just so confused and mad but felt like I wasn't doing anything wrong. I just wanted to stay with him, and sleep with him, wake up with him. His skin is so soft, and he's got such nice arms and hands. He's got a sexy little trail and some chest hair which he trims. He has like the 5:00 shadow going on, which chapped my lips abit but was still so soft. It took everything outta me not to strip down and just do it. ahhhhh and here I am today. Confused. Like what am I doing? and so much for resolutions. And I mean sex would prob ruin it. Half the fun is sneaking in kisses, and not so innocent chattings.

Anyways so what am I to do now. Life gets so complicated. and I am much younger then I realize. I am going to see Chad this weekend as well... I am a silly girl.