20T: Still playing the game..

Hey guys,

Sorry it's been a while, I totally forgot about this blog..

Things have been the same pretty much.. I threw a surprise bday party for actor-friend on the weekend. It was pretty awesome. We did our usual thing... couldn't find a moment alone..

I dono what happened... last time I was on this thing I was so over him, and knew it was a lust thing.. then the next weekend hubby and I hung out with him just the 3 of us, and I fell for him pretty hard all over again..

I dono what to do with myself.. I can't figure out how I feel but I think about him all the time and dream about him almost everynight..

anyways he left his guitar at our place on the weekend, so I decided to learn! I can play a bit of oasis-wonderwall and goo goo dolls-slide.. I was pretty impressed LOL

in other news.. Ken came over, a half an hour earlier then hubby said he would.. and he walked in on me naked.. and not even in some sexy position or anything.. hahaa anyways we both laughed it off.. but deff something goen on there..

anyways we'll see what happens this weekend.. i'm diing to get actor-friend alone.. i dono if it will happen, but i need it too..

oddly enough things with hubby and i are better then ever.. i am so F'd in the head..

20T: Boyz a poppen outta the woodwork!

Hey Girls,

Well I haven't updated at all since I thought I deleted this blog... seeing that I didn't do it right... here's what's new!

So I haven't spoken to Micki since she and actor-friend had their mid-night rendvouz at my house..

I don't know if I'm jelous or if I'm pissed off about the underwear-PJ incident...

So after actor-friend sent me that facebook msg.. I didn't reply back, and actually all week I was getting along so good with my hubby I completely pushed actor-friend out of my mind.. I was completely over it.

Then on Friday night all the guys came over, I didnt even really hang out with them I wasnt interested. I only came down to say g-nite and I got a bunch of gawks from the guys ( I had a black tshirt and pink mini-shorts PJs.. )

So whatever, I wasnt really interested, but more pissed off from the lack of attention from him..

Then Sat night the guys came over again for UFC. I sat down with them, but actor-friend hardly paid any attention. At one point we were sitten beside each other, but I moved after a lil bit. It felt awkward. So the night went on and I could see actor-friend was getting drunk, he started to do those little glances my way, then we were full out staring at each other when we caught a moment..

By the end of the night it was 4 in the morning, and everyone had gone home, except for Bill and Joe. Of course Joe wouldnt want to leave us alone.. anyways actor-friend kept trying to kiss me when we would get to be alone for a few seconds, I kept laughing at him and pushing him back..

I had no intentions of kissing him... anyways finally Bill took Joe home and we were really left alone.

Then actor-friend just started going on about how I drive him crazy, the PJS I wore last night made him wild, he keeps dreaming of me, and he has to try so hard to not even look at me when hes over to make sure we dont get caught, that he loves me... and he keeps trying to kiss me, and I wont give in. I talk to him about micki, and how it was just gross. even tho its not my place, i regret saying anything, why should i care if he dates?

anyways so I ask him if he thinks im his soul mate. he said yes. I told him he wasnt mine.. adam was.. but i dono,. I cant help feeling that hes full of shit. anyways so finally i gave in and made out with him.. i didnt want to, and when we were kissing i didnt feel anything, not like i used to. i was just purly discusted with myself. anyways then i noticed he had his jeans un zipped... like holy eager.. i announced i had to go to bed.. then left..

I am confused as anything here.

I felt so guilty the next day.

I never felt guilty before.

I did not enjoy making out with him. Yet I like the attention I get from him. I am super screwed up here.
Does he love me? Is this guy for real? or is he just trying to get in my pants? lol .clueless. I mean if he just wants to get in my pants then thats fine i know how to treat this relation ship and him, but if he really does love me this could me dangerous. he did ask me if I had sex with someone else. and I was like yea hubby obv... and hes like no besides that.. have you cheated on me? and then he went all giddy, laughing at what he said... so I didnt know how to read that either..

the next day he emailed me to send him the pics we took..

anyways i dono what to do. more importantly i dont know how i feel. Do I like him?

in the summer I was in love with him, that I'm sure.. now I feel like I'm over him but I like the attention? help please!

Anyways in other news.. I went to vball on Monday, a few guys to flirt with there... and then I seen this guy on tuesday that i've seen on the bus before a few times.. we just locked eyes, and then smiled and looked away.. hes got really gorgeous eyes! but I havent seen him since.. and finally this guy I had a major crush on in college called me up at work and asked me out for lunch.. i went with him.. we had a good time.. lastly, I went to Tim Hortons today and I seen this guy I had chatted too at New Years forever, that actor-friend made leave... GUYS ARE JUST POPPEN OUT OF THE WOOD WORK!

Seriously what is my problem!

I am so in love with hubby right now, we are getting along so great! Why are there always so many distractions? and the worst part is, if there wernt any, I prob would be depressed... I am so Fucked up.