20T: So much for resoultions...

So New Years, new ideals, new resoultions.

I sat down yesturday to decide on what my new years resoulutions would be. I had quite a few, but the ones worth mentioning is I want to lose 20 more pounds, and I have decided to be faithful. With these clear goals in mind I got ready to celebrate the new year!

We were at a dinner with friends and invited to a house party afterword. I went to the mall and picked up a sexy dress but didnt end up wearing it. Apparently actor-friend wasn't going to be there, he was going up north with some chick. But I really felt like he would be there. It was like it was already starting. However I was ready to give back the ring we exchanged at my wedding and positive that we could be just good buddies. Anyways so hubby and I almost didnt go to the party but after like 10 phonecalls from his friends we ended up going. Ken got me on the phone and was like you have to come actor-boy is going to be there.. like what the heck.. why do people think I care if actor-friend was going to be there... anyways determined to prove that I loved my hubby and that I was a good wife we set off to the party with a bottle of wine in tote.

Now I havent drunk in a while... I didnt even know I could drink, but once we got there all our friends were there and Ken grabbed my bottle of wine, popped her, and poured me a huge glass. So I went and chilled with the ladies.. I was having a great time, drinking and such. And sure enough actor-friend showed up. I didnt say hello at all, I continued chatting away with the girls. I saw his eyes but never met them. Anyways so I moved over to the bar and started chatting with this funny guy named Ricardo and this other boy named Greg. Ken comes over and goes into a loud announcement about how great my boobs looked and how I should cover up but don't.. I laughed it off, but covered up, but kinda worried as his gf was there... anyways so the count down began, I still hadn't talked to actor-friend. But new years went off and I was making out with hubby for quite a while before I started making my rounds with the rest of the guests. Ken grabbed me and was giving me a huge hug and actor-friend came up behind me and was hugging me from behind. Well I guess they got carried away with hands and what not and a few comments about a threesome and Kens girlfriend apparently got super pissed. Anyways so that was it for Ken, he told me he wasnt aloud to talk to me for the rest of the night. Which to me was totally redic. anyways I didnt do anything, he was being a little touchy I guess. anyways so back to actor-friend. so I ended up walking away from actor-friend after the hug and started talking to Greg again. I checked in with hubby a few more times throughout the night and gave him sexy kisses. So anyways I dono what happened but finally actor-friend and I were left alone in a spot. two seconds and we were making out. I ended up walking away from it, throwing my hands up in frustration. Anyways I was out with the girls, when Ken and his gf left, apparently they were still fighting about me, my hubby left with orders to actor-friend to take me home (how convenient), and actor-friend had made Greg leave (apparently he flipped on him for talking to me, so jelous). anyways so I was in the garage having a smoke with the girls, no I dont smoke but I was drunk, and actor-friend came out, after 5 minutes we were left alone again. Started making out again... seriously I dont know what happened....

Anyways so everyone was starting to leave the party it was about 330am and Joe grabs me. He like usual had followed actor-friend and I around the house everytime we were talking, his eyes bored into my back as if to see the thoughts and wants of our hearts. Joe demanded that I come home with him. I just looked at him shoked. I told him hubby asked actor-friend to take me home but he was like no your coming home with us right? I was so shoked and so pissed. Sick and tired of being treated like a child, for always having a bodyguard...

I agreed though, I didnt really want to end up with actor-friend, I really was wanting to be good. anyways I couldnt find my jacket and purse and actor-friend grabed me and was like what are you doing. I said I was going home with Joe, that I didnt want to fight. Then Joe calls over are you coming? And actor-friend freaks on Joe saying hubby asked him to drive me home and that he will in like 20 minutes. I was furious and stormed away from both of them. as if they can have that much control over such a stupid thing. Let me go home with whom I want. Am I child that you can protect? Like what is Joes problem. Anyways today I bitched to hubby all about what happened. All he said was I did ask actor-friend to drive you home. and that Joe and actor-friend both love me in different ways. I do not understand how my hubby is so oblivious. Although with Joe, I know he loves me as a friend, but does he protect me becuz of hubby, or does he hate that actor-friend holds my attention over him. I have yet to figure this out...

Anyways ok so Joe left and actor-friend was taking me home. We left around 400am and 2 seconds into being in the car, we were at it. We drove off to a parking lot, and were making out and what not. The farthest we went, I gave him a BJ, but I didnt even want to I just did because I did and I knew he wanted it. I dono I have mixed feelings about it all. I dono we were out until 7am in that lot. Talking and making out. He kept telling me we should just run away together, that he loved me, that we should go to Vegas and get married. That it killed him that I wasnt talking to him, and that I was talking to Greg earlier in the night. He said he is always drawn to me and he wants to find someone just like me. I mean I kept teasing him with all his comments. But I couldnt say I loved him back. I was just so confused and mad but felt like I wasn't doing anything wrong. I just wanted to stay with him, and sleep with him, wake up with him. His skin is so soft, and he's got such nice arms and hands. He's got a sexy little trail and some chest hair which he trims. He has like the 5:00 shadow going on, which chapped my lips abit but was still so soft. It took everything outta me not to strip down and just do it. ahhhhh and here I am today. Confused. Like what am I doing? and so much for resolutions. And I mean sex would prob ruin it. Half the fun is sneaking in kisses, and not so innocent chattings.

Anyways so what am I to do now. Life gets so complicated. and I am much younger then I realize. I am going to see Chad this weekend as well... I am a silly girl.