20T: It's not enough

This post didn't post on Monday... so I am posting it again!

So hubby and I had a heart to heart Sunday night. After he was being a jerk again all weekend as I was still feeling overly stressed.. and I had had it with his nonsympathetic, yelling, mean attitude. So anyways I told him that it really hurt me, and I was second guessing marrying him because I dont think he takes care of me, and that I am scared to have kids with him because I don't see or feel the honest love anymore, and I was explaining how hes always angry and yelling at me and that I feel like I am walking on egg shells all the time. Anyways he started crying and apologized profusly and said he never wanted to lose me, I remained a little hard, not willing to give in to it. I've heard his apologies before. It was actions I wanted.

Well he was very sweet to me for the rest of the night and yesturday (Sunday). He went to bed with me, did the dishes, and came with me when taking the dog out. Tonight (Monday) I came home and he had a little candlelight dinner made for the two of us. I was/am deff very shocked by all of this. I mean truthfully that is the guy I feel in love with. We are an amazing team and a great couple.

Yet it's not enough

I find my mind wandering like crazy lately.. wanting that adventure that new love brings. I know I should be satisfied with my perfect hubby, my perfect house, job, dog, but its not enough. Am I crazy? Of course I dont want to screw it all up but I cant help feeling empty.

My life has always been so predictable. I need something. I mean why does that something even have to be a guy? but of course it does.. as u know thats just how I operate... I will be seeing Chad this weekend and my mind is whirling... but why do I want to start up something again with him? I know where that leads, to a very dark place...

I've been reading the book series Twilight, and I am so jelous of bella. I want a guy that holds me like that, who looks intently at me, who stirs up something in me..

I know Im married. Thats the sad part. Its like my life is over. now all I have is death. I've kissed childood goodbye... my teenage years are long gone

It's funny, I went for a walk on the weekend, to explore my new neightbourhood and we have all these walking trails at the end of the street. I chose one and I just thought of how exciting this is, to be living in a new place, a new neighbourhood.. yet I don't feel an adventure...

You wait your whole childhood for love, for your wedding day.. but once it's over I dono what do you look forward to next? kids? not interested yet.. I am still too young and my mind is to over the place.... I guess I'm feeling lost.