20T: So much for resoultions...

So New Years, new ideals, new resoultions.

I sat down yesturday to decide on what my new years resoulutions would be. I had quite a few, but the ones worth mentioning is I want to lose 20 more pounds, and I have decided to be faithful. With these clear goals in mind I got ready to celebrate the new year!

We were at a dinner with friends and invited to a house party afterword. I went to the mall and picked up a sexy dress but didnt end up wearing it. Apparently actor-friend wasn't going to be there, he was going up north with some chick. But I really felt like he would be there. It was like it was already starting. However I was ready to give back the ring we exchanged at my wedding and positive that we could be just good buddies. Anyways so hubby and I almost didnt go to the party but after like 10 phonecalls from his friends we ended up going. Ken got me on the phone and was like you have to come actor-boy is going to be there.. like what the heck.. why do people think I care if actor-friend was going to be there... anyways determined to prove that I loved my hubby and that I was a good wife we set off to the party with a bottle of wine in tote.

Now I havent drunk in a while... I didnt even know I could drink, but once we got there all our friends were there and Ken grabbed my bottle of wine, popped her, and poured me a huge glass. So I went and chilled with the ladies.. I was having a great time, drinking and such. And sure enough actor-friend showed up. I didnt say hello at all, I continued chatting away with the girls. I saw his eyes but never met them. Anyways so I moved over to the bar and started chatting with this funny guy named Ricardo and this other boy named Greg. Ken comes over and goes into a loud announcement about how great my boobs looked and how I should cover up but don't.. I laughed it off, but covered up, but kinda worried as his gf was there... anyways so the count down began, I still hadn't talked to actor-friend. But new years went off and I was making out with hubby for quite a while before I started making my rounds with the rest of the guests. Ken grabbed me and was giving me a huge hug and actor-friend came up behind me and was hugging me from behind. Well I guess they got carried away with hands and what not and a few comments about a threesome and Kens girlfriend apparently got super pissed. Anyways so that was it for Ken, he told me he wasnt aloud to talk to me for the rest of the night. Which to me was totally redic. anyways I didnt do anything, he was being a little touchy I guess. anyways so back to actor-friend. so I ended up walking away from actor-friend after the hug and started talking to Greg again. I checked in with hubby a few more times throughout the night and gave him sexy kisses. So anyways I dono what happened but finally actor-friend and I were left alone in a spot. two seconds and we were making out. I ended up walking away from it, throwing my hands up in frustration. Anyways I was out with the girls, when Ken and his gf left, apparently they were still fighting about me, my hubby left with orders to actor-friend to take me home (how convenient), and actor-friend had made Greg leave (apparently he flipped on him for talking to me, so jelous). anyways so I was in the garage having a smoke with the girls, no I dont smoke but I was drunk, and actor-friend came out, after 5 minutes we were left alone again. Started making out again... seriously I dont know what happened....

Anyways so everyone was starting to leave the party it was about 330am and Joe grabs me. He like usual had followed actor-friend and I around the house everytime we were talking, his eyes bored into my back as if to see the thoughts and wants of our hearts. Joe demanded that I come home with him. I just looked at him shoked. I told him hubby asked actor-friend to take me home but he was like no your coming home with us right? I was so shoked and so pissed. Sick and tired of being treated like a child, for always having a bodyguard...

I agreed though, I didnt really want to end up with actor-friend, I really was wanting to be good. anyways I couldnt find my jacket and purse and actor-friend grabed me and was like what are you doing. I said I was going home with Joe, that I didnt want to fight. Then Joe calls over are you coming? And actor-friend freaks on Joe saying hubby asked him to drive me home and that he will in like 20 minutes. I was furious and stormed away from both of them. as if they can have that much control over such a stupid thing. Let me go home with whom I want. Am I child that you can protect? Like what is Joes problem. Anyways today I bitched to hubby all about what happened. All he said was I did ask actor-friend to drive you home. and that Joe and actor-friend both love me in different ways. I do not understand how my hubby is so oblivious. Although with Joe, I know he loves me as a friend, but does he protect me becuz of hubby, or does he hate that actor-friend holds my attention over him. I have yet to figure this out...

Anyways ok so Joe left and actor-friend was taking me home. We left around 400am and 2 seconds into being in the car, we were at it. We drove off to a parking lot, and were making out and what not. The farthest we went, I gave him a BJ, but I didnt even want to I just did because I did and I knew he wanted it. I dono I have mixed feelings about it all. I dono we were out until 7am in that lot. Talking and making out. He kept telling me we should just run away together, that he loved me, that we should go to Vegas and get married. That it killed him that I wasnt talking to him, and that I was talking to Greg earlier in the night. He said he is always drawn to me and he wants to find someone just like me. I mean I kept teasing him with all his comments. But I couldnt say I loved him back. I was just so confused and mad but felt like I wasn't doing anything wrong. I just wanted to stay with him, and sleep with him, wake up with him. His skin is so soft, and he's got such nice arms and hands. He's got a sexy little trail and some chest hair which he trims. He has like the 5:00 shadow going on, which chapped my lips abit but was still so soft. It took everything outta me not to strip down and just do it. ahhhhh and here I am today. Confused. Like what am I doing? and so much for resolutions. And I mean sex would prob ruin it. Half the fun is sneaking in kisses, and not so innocent chattings.

Anyways so what am I to do now. Life gets so complicated. and I am much younger then I realize. I am going to see Chad this weekend as well... I am a silly girl.

20T: Birthday Pains

So it was my birthday on Thursday, 23! Wow I feel so old and mentally I still feel like I'm 17 so new in the world...

Anyways so I was really sick on my birthday, and I had to get medication from the docs, which I started on Wed... so things were going ok, I still didn't feel that good on Friday, actually I had begun to feel cloudy and almost like I was high... by Friday night it had gotton a lot worse but I assumed it was just my meds. So I took my meds right before I went to sleep on Friday night hoping that the meds would wear off by Sat morning as I had adams work brunch to go too and sat night was our big open house.

Well I was right about one thing.. it was the meds... I woke up extremely high and out of it.. hubby calmed me down and got me to go back to sleep. But when I woke up in the morning no affects had left me.. it was much worse. I was still high, dilusional, hullcinating, and shaking. I felt like my brain was bleeding and tingaly all over. I was panicing and that sure as hell didnt help. I told all this to hubby and he told me to have a shower and get ready for his work party. I did but the feelings wernt going away. He said I would feel better once we were on the road.. gullible I got into the car with him and prepared for the hour and a hlaf drive to the place for brunch. 15 minutes into the ride I was in hysterics. I was so scared and creaped out and felt so weird! I thought I was dyiing. I wanted to go home but hubby wouldnt take me. He told me to shut up and relax. I was so upset but so out of it and scared I didnt want to be alone.. anyways I freaked out for the entire trip I tried to stay calm but couldnt. when we go there I went right up to the bar and started drinking. I had drank 5 bottled of water in 10 minutes, trying to get whatever was in my system out.. i asked adam to leave and he wouldnt... it was so horrible. I never hated him so much.. anyways all in all it was ok. talking to people took my mind off my high and drinking water was helping me pee it out but I didnt feel right.. we went home after about 2.5 hours and the ride home was a bit better... I went to lay down when we got home but I kept getting the brain bleed feeling and being all naucous and shaki... people started arriving for my birthday and I was a wreck, and tryig to push back the tears... hubby kept yelling at me to grow up and snap outta it.. i couldnt... anyways when my bestfriend arrived she got on the phone and called the pharmacist.. after about 10 minutes she came over to me and said I was having severe side affects from the meds.. I was having hallunincations and a nervous system breakdown.. I had to eat, drink, and stay warm.. So basically the rest of the night everyone took turns taking care of me. at one point my best friend wanted to drag me to the hospital. and hubby flipped out in front of everyone that I was over reacting and that I was fine.. even tho I was shaking.. he looked like such an asshole... so Joe and Abby (my best friend) took me to the bed room and put me to bed and were sitting with me, and trying to calm me down and make me eat.. actor friend came and visited me a few times, hes had an overdose before and was pretty worried.. he kept bringing me a heating pad and watching the size of my pupils... anyways so I finally got to sleep, Sunday was much better and by Monday morning I was pretty much back to normal... but what a crazy weekend. So here we are on Wednesday and I dont feel right about teh way my hubby treated me.. I'm still pretty upset and scared about it. like how he could be so cold and cruel when I needed him.. anyways so thats that. but our relationship is deff back to rockly ground.

in other news..

when we were packing Joe asked me what happened on the night of the accident, aka what was i doing with actor-friend that night... luckily hubby walked into the room right then and Joe said nevermind.. he knows something was up.. but had the respect to drop it, although I dont think this is the last of this conversation..

also Chad msg me on facebook.. wished me a happy birthday, asked me what was going on, how I was doing... I wrote him back today (a lil over a week later) turns out he will be playing hockey the same place as my hubby on sat nights... we'll see how this goes..


Anyways sorry for all the posts and rambling! Just wanted to update you all! Hope you're all doing well!

20T: I sware I didn’t start it

Ok so not a particularly eventful weekend, I was sick so I didn’t end up going out.. never the less interesting events occurred..

We did a whole lot of packing this weekend.. it felt so good and we were reminissing about our apartment… our first home.. anyways to pay tribute we decided to have sex in all the rooms and on all the surfaces of our apartment! Haha SO MUCH FUN! Seriously! I cant wait till we christen our house! Sex has really improved since I lost the weight.. I think it’s also becuz I’m not insecure anymore.. anytime anywhere anyplace.. I feel like I’m a teen again!

next I got my cell phone hooked up again.. I’ve really not had one since I got married… It tends to cause to many problems and I have too many late nite drunk phone calls.. but I already have facebook what more trouble could a cell phone cause?... I can be trusted with a phone right? Right??

So Friday night I wasn’t feeling so great but I really wanted to go to the mall and catch up on the latest fashions… (once again budget smudgetit…) So I was busting through like a million stores and was getting really hot.. so I decided to save time and heat I would just throw my shirt in my purse and only wear my coat.. so that worked out ok till I ran outta time and didn’t have time to put my shirt back on.. so whatever I would just stick it out till I got home.. my hubby calls and tells me his bestfriend Joe is worken at the mall still and I should meet up with him and bus back home with him… so whatever cool.. I’ve done it lots of times before.. so I go meet up with Joe and hes closing down a store.. and hes like take your coat off im gonna be a while.. and I burst out laughing and explain my situation and he was laughing but he’s like “rweaalay…” I have never seen that look in his eyes before! Anyways im not reading into it we go home together the entire time I am bitching about how hot I am, we get up to my apartment and I had forgotten my keys! Locked out! Dying of heat! So Joe suggests I take my coat off.. but oh yea.. and hes like well just change right here, no ones around.. while hes staring right at me… like is this for real? Anyways hes like my brother and hes seen me in a bikini so it wasn’t like a big deal but I was just taken a back by his suggestion.. anyways I said I’d go around the corner and do it.. which I did.. but I dono it was different.. then he brought it up like 8 times that night with hubby around that I was naked under my jacket.. get over it bud! I dono..


Anyways so I’ve had a few busy days but then yesterday morning some random totally gorgeous guy facebooks me to start trouble.. he wants to chat, maybe meet up, and whatever he’s like from Vancouver… so at first I was like buddy I’m married, but he totally apologizes.. so I thought wow hes a nice guy, and I write him back some flirty comment about being down for innocent chats but if hes ever in the city cant guarantee it being innocent.. and it was a pretty good line but sarcastic and thinking it would never happen.. well turns out he moved here recently and just hasn’t updated his facebook.. lol so now aren’t I a lot of smack talk? Anyways I guess I can cut all ties.. but where would be the fun in that?

So last night was salsa class! I brought Micki from Cali with me.. she was interested in possibly signing up… anyways she sat out the entire time saying she was too embarrassed to try.. too bad but I had a lot of fun… anyways after the class was over she’s like the instructor has the hots for you.. and I was like what? And shes like I caught him starring at your ass the whole class! And I was like that’s his job! He’s gotta make sure I am moving right! But anyways he is cute.. but I am a happily married women. I am a happily married women. I am a happily married women.. I am a………

So what are your ladies plans for the weekend? I’m still sick but in the mood to party! I got invited to a slumber party with a bunch of new girls, which I better attend if I want to still make girlfriends.. I really want to go to a club tho! I better find some female dates fast! Its also UFC this weekend so the boys will be over.. and its one of Adams friends birthday! So we will have to pick and choose our events.. however life has been a little borring.. I hope something exciting happens this weekend..

20T: A night of pleasure for a week of pain: The Accident that Started it All

So as I mentioned previously, I was in a near death experience a few weeks ago. A car accident to be precise, no not drinking and driving as the title may persum but humm perhaps a little background info to get you up to speed.

It had been a crazy week, I had three clients to meet with on my side jobs, I had been over at my parents house twice as my little brother had run away since he was caught smoking pot, and I was planning my hubbys 24th bday on Friday. I had a lot on my plate and my mind was spinning not aware of what else could happen.. His party came and we had a great time, all his friends came over and we had a big bash in the apartment the supers were called at least three times… I invited two girls who I used to work with. Big mistake.. Anyways all my best friends didn’t come. And I had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that this was my last chance to see everyone. As usual the hubbys friends were hitting on me, we all get along as one big group.

Sunday morning came and the pit I had in my tummy, grew to full size. I was sitting in church and realized that this could be my very last day to live. Instantly I panicked, I agree what a weird thought… but that’s all I knew. So I asked myself what I had to do. And the answer wasn’t what.. it was who. .. My hubbys best friend… oh boy I know what you’re thinking… how can I say all these sweet things about my hubby in one minute and then talk about his bestfriend in the next… believe me If I knew the answer to that question I wouldn’t be writing this blog..

So me and actor bestfriend. We’ve kind of always had a thing.. since me and hubby started dating… there’s always been those suggestive looks and winks, extra long hugs, and silent moments. At my own wedding even… anyways during the winter, one extremely drunk night when my husband left me with his friends… well lets just say we weren’t talking… since then we continue to do this… we’ve only hooked up that one time. A few stolen kisses but that’s it. I know I’m terrible but if I had the choice I would change it, but my heart pulls me towards this guy for unknown reasons..

So there I was, in church, thinking about my husbands bestfriend…

However since I was convinced it was my last day to live, I went with my husbands other bestfriend, (we’ll call him joe) to see actor friend. They wanted me to help them with something. My hubby refused to go (he hates leaving home ever) and so I went alone… later on joe invited us to go to his poetry reading downtown. I was reluctant to go as I knew where this was going to lead.. I knew it was what I had come for but obviously had a strong guard about actually going through with it..

However I was being forced to go with Joe, actor friend was adamantly insisting that my hubby would join us. After three phone calls and a very convincing speech the three of us set off downtown.

As the night went on Joe became aware of something between actor friend and I. We met up with a few other guys but it seemed like joe never took his eyes off us. We finally broke away to go check out the new bathrooms at a newly reno’d bar… needless to say it was a bad idea.. as soon as we were alone we started going at each other, kissing and grabbing.. quite the display.. the night ended when I dropped joe off first (actor friend pretended he was too drunk to drive) Joe was not happy about being dropped off first, even tho it made perfect sence for him to be… it was almost like he knew…

Never the less this was what I came for and we ended up hanging out back at his place until 5 in the morning.. He kept saying, “you’re my baby, at least for tonight”. It felt so right and it was exactly what I wanted to hear, this boy has no idea the kind of effect he has on me…

Anyways I’ll cut to the chase, it was 6am in the morning by the time I got home, it was the official day of my hubbys bday, and he was raging mad. Not that I could blamb him. I was hardly in the mood to speak as I had only an hour before I had to get up for work..

However I slept so soundly in that hour.. only to wake up, call my hubby to have him hang up on me, I leave for work, driving all of 5 mins onto the highway where a mini transport truck decided to cut me off and I slam into the back of him without even hitting my breaks..

When I came too I didn’t know what to think.. I was happy to be alive, although covered in blood, my arms worked, my legs worked, I seemed to be ok. A lady had rushed over and been helping me. She called my hubby for me, who hung up on me again… quite humorous now..

Anyways all in all I ended up down at the hospital with my mother, my hubby came later and I was all ok except my arm.. (I’ve got some tendon damage I find out later) the docs were so surprised that I had survived the accident, and my car was an absolute write off.. no piece could be restored…

So right now you are all prob still judging me about actor friend. But Isn’t it weird how I had this feeling about dying and almost did?