20T: I did it

Hey guys

I gotta say Im really nervous to write this post, but I can't help but smile..

So Friday night one of our friends had a party at his place.. I went with my friend Micki.. naturally we arrived like 3 hours into the party.. as soon as we drove by the house we saw everyone chillen outside and i saw actor-friend. I saw it in his eyes, and my heart started pumpen and my adrenalin was rushing.. so micki and I went into the party and actor-friend and I were ignoring each other... it was all good until we had a quick conversation and he got short with me.. and I was like what? and hes like well whats new with u kinda rudely.. I mentioned that I had some issues with Ken.. and he kinda lightened up but asked questions.. i told him that Ken walked in on me naked.. and that hes been.. intense.. lately. i dono i didnt really get a chance to explain as Ken came over and dragged me away.. but the rest of the night wasnt so great with actorfriend.. we were like fighting about nothing, and I was really getten hurt cuz i didnt understand his real reason for being so pissy..

eventually everyone left the party. and it was just him micki and i back at my place.. micki siad she was leaving but couldnt find her keys.. actorfriend jumped up to help her find them and was like rapidly searching.. which gave me a lil hope.. as it was almost like he wanted to talk to me..

anyways so micki left.. and he sat down beside me.. and started talken to me, or yellen at me about Ken.. apparently Ken said all this shit to actorfrien.. like i was hitting on him, and trying to hook up with him,, and talking about having sex with him.. and actorfriend was so pissed off, telling me how could i replace him with Ken, he had a whole rant.. i was dumbfounded.. when he finally shut up it took me like an hour to explain everything that happened. then he was really pissed at Ken and really sorry to me. he said he never gelt so jelous in his life. and he couldnt believe how upset it made him, and all this stuff.. i dono we had a great conver.. it was like 3am so i asked him if he wanted to go for a drive.. which obv he did.. so we took off to go "pick up his car"..

20T: It must be me

Hey guys

First off.. new news...

ok so Ken and I have started to hang out since he got a "free show".. lol.. but he's really into sports and so am I, so I have been bringing him out to vball and badminton with me, and we've been talking about playing tennis, goen for runs etc etc together, since we both want to get into shape and he lives right around the corner.. and since hubby refuses to move his butt off the couch I was really excitied to have a work-out buddy. anyways well Ken has been flirting pretty heavily with me, and I mean I'm all for joking around but he seems to be crossing the line.. but I keep laughing at all his plays or try to ignore the cruder comments.. well by ignor i just look at him, blush, and say "ah" and try to give them impression that I cant respond to that..

He keeps talking about how good in bed he is, how we should hook up, how he wants to do things to me... like I dono how things got so far in just 2 weeks... he chats to me all the time through facebook, and calls me out when I dont write him back right away. Last weekend everyone was over partying, and he shoved me into my bedroom, throws me on the bed, and was like "I hear u like it rough" and he like held my down for 2 secs then left me. but at first I just played it off like whatever, he was drunk. and all these flirty conversations like we're just hanging out and haven fun.. but then he facebooks me today about how he knows we should hook up, how it cant just be him feeling this way, he wants me so bad.

Like what the hell! am I that niave or something? of all people I wouldnt think Ken would do this, especially considering, his gf just cheated on him for 3 months with his bestfriend, and he was so devestated when he found out.. then he goes and starts this with my huby? and im married! seriously do I walk around with a "fuck me" sign? Obv I like to flirt, and hangout with guys. but I'm never serious about anything I say, with the exception of actor-friend.. but can we plz leave that out for now? are guys really that easy? do they take everything seriously? Will they jump on any opportuntity if u make it out to be a small window of hope? I mean what can I do? live in a box? I think almost everyone of hubbys friends has hit on me now. like is that normal? am I bating them? like im feeling clueless and trashy right now.

what am I doing wrong here? I do not want to hook up with Ken, not one bit. not at all. not thats he not a good looking guy or anything. But I just wouldnt. I need some serious therapist advice right now.. I obv havent written back to him yet.. I guess I'm not going to, as what do I say? seriously what would you say? keep in mind I dont want to rock the boat. I dont want Ken to get pissy, I dont want hubby to lose his friends..

Second thing,

Thanks to everyone for your comments, I really do appreicate them, and I totally understand what your saying. of course I do not want to hurt hubby. I ove him with all my heart, hes my world. hes everything I got. I dono whats up with actor-friend, why I feel the way I do, and why I cant kick him outta my head.. I just cant Ive tried and tried, I think about him all the time dream about him all the time. and I shouldnt. so how do I change that? how do I get over whatever this is?

I gotta say, I'm supposed to be seeing him tonight at a party, and I'd be lying if I said that I haven't been looking forward to it all week..

I mean get outta my head man.. problem is hes in my heart too..

20T: Still playing the game..

Hey guys,

Sorry it's been a while, I totally forgot about this blog..

Things have been the same pretty much.. I threw a surprise bday party for actor-friend on the weekend. It was pretty awesome. We did our usual thing... couldn't find a moment alone..

I dono what happened... last time I was on this thing I was so over him, and knew it was a lust thing.. then the next weekend hubby and I hung out with him just the 3 of us, and I fell for him pretty hard all over again..

I dono what to do with myself.. I can't figure out how I feel but I think about him all the time and dream about him almost everynight..

anyways he left his guitar at our place on the weekend, so I decided to learn! I can play a bit of oasis-wonderwall and goo goo dolls-slide.. I was pretty impressed LOL

in other news.. Ken came over, a half an hour earlier then hubby said he would.. and he walked in on me naked.. and not even in some sexy position or anything.. hahaa anyways we both laughed it off.. but deff something goen on there..

anyways we'll see what happens this weekend.. i'm diing to get actor-friend alone.. i dono if it will happen, but i need it too..

oddly enough things with hubby and i are better then ever.. i am so F'd in the head..

20T: Boyz a poppen outta the woodwork!

Hey Girls,

Well I haven't updated at all since I thought I deleted this blog... seeing that I didn't do it right... here's what's new!

So I haven't spoken to Micki since she and actor-friend had their mid-night rendvouz at my house..

I don't know if I'm jelous or if I'm pissed off about the underwear-PJ incident...

So after actor-friend sent me that facebook msg.. I didn't reply back, and actually all week I was getting along so good with my hubby I completely pushed actor-friend out of my mind.. I was completely over it.

Then on Friday night all the guys came over, I didnt even really hang out with them I wasnt interested. I only came down to say g-nite and I got a bunch of gawks from the guys ( I had a black tshirt and pink mini-shorts PJs.. )

So whatever, I wasnt really interested, but more pissed off from the lack of attention from him..

Then Sat night the guys came over again for UFC. I sat down with them, but actor-friend hardly paid any attention. At one point we were sitten beside each other, but I moved after a lil bit. It felt awkward. So the night went on and I could see actor-friend was getting drunk, he started to do those little glances my way, then we were full out staring at each other when we caught a moment..

By the end of the night it was 4 in the morning, and everyone had gone home, except for Bill and Joe. Of course Joe wouldnt want to leave us alone.. anyways actor-friend kept trying to kiss me when we would get to be alone for a few seconds, I kept laughing at him and pushing him back..

I had no intentions of kissing him... anyways finally Bill took Joe home and we were really left alone.

Then actor-friend just started going on about how I drive him crazy, the PJS I wore last night made him wild, he keeps dreaming of me, and he has to try so hard to not even look at me when hes over to make sure we dont get caught, that he loves me... and he keeps trying to kiss me, and I wont give in. I talk to him about micki, and how it was just gross. even tho its not my place, i regret saying anything, why should i care if he dates?

anyways so I ask him if he thinks im his soul mate. he said yes. I told him he wasnt mine.. adam was.. but i dono,. I cant help feeling that hes full of shit. anyways so finally i gave in and made out with him.. i didnt want to, and when we were kissing i didnt feel anything, not like i used to. i was just purly discusted with myself. anyways then i noticed he had his jeans un zipped... like holy eager.. i announced i had to go to bed.. then left..

I am confused as anything here.

I felt so guilty the next day.

I never felt guilty before.

I did not enjoy making out with him. Yet I like the attention I get from him. I am super screwed up here.
Does he love me? Is this guy for real? or is he just trying to get in my pants? lol .clueless. I mean if he just wants to get in my pants then thats fine i know how to treat this relation ship and him, but if he really does love me this could me dangerous. he did ask me if I had sex with someone else. and I was like yea hubby obv... and hes like no besides that.. have you cheated on me? and then he went all giddy, laughing at what he said... so I didnt know how to read that either..

the next day he emailed me to send him the pics we took..

anyways i dono what to do. more importantly i dont know how i feel. Do I like him?

in the summer I was in love with him, that I'm sure.. now I feel like I'm over him but I like the attention? help please!

Anyways in other news.. I went to vball on Monday, a few guys to flirt with there... and then I seen this guy on tuesday that i've seen on the bus before a few times.. we just locked eyes, and then smiled and looked away.. hes got really gorgeous eyes! but I havent seen him since.. and finally this guy I had a major crush on in college called me up at work and asked me out for lunch.. i went with him.. we had a good time.. lastly, I went to Tim Hortons today and I seen this guy I had chatted too at New Years forever, that actor-friend made leave... GUYS ARE JUST POPPEN OUT OF THE WOOD WORK!

Seriously what is my problem!

I am so in love with hubby right now, we are getting along so great! Why are there always so many distractions? and the worst part is, if there wernt any, I prob would be depressed... I am so Fucked up.

20T: Predicting the Downfall

So this weekend, again hubby and I didn't do much. We've been sittin in the jacuzzi all week, going to bed early its been really nice. We were plannen a major vacation but we decided against it due to finances. we want to save.. so Sat we went shoppen! We bought a fancy camera, rented a ton of movies, and got some new clothes. Once again supposed to be an uneventful weekend.. then I get a call from Micki. She wanted to come over as she was super upset thinking about her ex BF whome she broke up with from Cali. So she came over and we watched a bunch of movies (She doesnt have TV at home and therefore thats all she wants to do!) It was like 12:30 and I was dyiing to go to bed! so I told her that and asked her if she was gonna head out.. hint hint! anyways so she says NO! says shes gonna stay the night if thats cool.. and well i guess so what am I gonna say? (I hate been crampen in on my weekend time alone!) so she stays over and borrows a pair of PJ pants.

well the next morning hubby and I were up early... usually Sun morning romp but we couldnt since we knew micki was in the next room.. so he went downstairs and I went out to make coffee and grab our new camera. well to my absolute shock when I walk out of my bedroom and smack bang into Actor-friend. I took a double take and rubbed my eyes. He's like "..hey.." I just stared, and then smiled and said hey, grabbed my camera and retreated into the dining room. THAT LITTLE SLUT!!! I had given her actor-friends number right before Micki went to bed. since she said she had been talking to him. she has been so moopy over her xbf whom she dumped but has no problem climbing into bed with the next guy!!! I couldnt believe it! anyways actor-friend came in to talk to me and I was cool and level-headed. He said something about how hott I looked in my morning hair and I mumbled thanks and then took off to find hubby.

byt the end of the morning they both stayed and watched another ovie with hubby and I. I had found mickis pantys in the middle of the living room floor - which my dog was chewing on and I was just discusted... I found out they had only chatted and not hooked up, just slept in the same bed. And she hadnt worn any underwear with my PJs which I thought was mor unhygenic and discusting and I told her to keep them and shes never borrowing anything from me again.. (you just have to know her.. I love her, but she is not the cleanest person, and that grossed me out to no end!) also grossed me out that actor-friend would do anything with her.. she is so gross. So I have mentally washed my hands of him... I feel like I may puke out of discust.

Anyways so micki and actor-friend finally left. I go on my facebook like an hour later and theres a msg from actor-friend tellin me how smoking hott I looked that morning and that wow and shit. I just deleted it. sounded like something a player would do trying to patch up the fact that he was caught. even tho he knew I would see him becuase he stayed at my house. but dont play friends against friends.

anyways I had already decided that I was over him because we just found out that Greg and Kens gf had been sneaking around on Ken. its caused this huge riff in the circle of friends (obv) and I decided right then and there I wasnt going to be the next to do that.. and now that actor-friends w/ micki weather or not he used her as an excuse to see me... I'm done. even if he never touched her. she is just so dirty.

Anyways so this was more a bitch-out then a post but meh... hope u all had a good weekend!

20T: Who's Who

Well since I have been writing this for a while now, I thought I'd bring you all up-to-speed on who the players are in this story. That, and so I can remember everyone's pseudonym

Me - married to hubby - has crush on actor-friend, continually boycrazy, and trying to do the inevitable.. “find myself”
Micky - one of my girlfriends - just came back from Cali, also seems to have a crush on actor-friend and Joe
Emma - my best friend - currently married and having a baby
Lacy - girlfriend - has a boyfriend, hooked up with actor-friend a few times
Tia - girlfriend - married, has hooked up with Ken and Joe (before marriage)
Paris - girlfriend - almost hooked up with Greg

Hubby - married to me - all around funny and great guy
Joe - hubbys bestfriend - nice guy, down to earth, looks out for everyone, hooked up with Tia
Actor-friend - hubbys close friend - gorgeous, actor/model, hooked up with Lacy, and maybe Micki, and me
Ken - hubbys friend - dating a girl, hooked up with Tia, flirts with me
Joel - hubbys friend - hates women right now, knocked up a girl, used to flirt with me
Greg - hubbys friend - super nice guy, is in love with Kens girlfriend

Alright so theres the main players.

20T: Balls-y

Well this weekend certainly wasn't supposed to be an interesting one... in fact I was quite upset about it and resorted to watching Top Gun yet again to fantasize about actor-friend. I love him, really, I know it now.. but right... cant have him...

so since hubby and I were getten over being sick we had cancelled all plans for the weekend, but as Sat afternoon rolled around we were getting stir-crazy! bored out of our minds! so a bunch of our friends were goen out for dinner for Ken's bday then there was this comedy/dance show thing afterwards (that I had originaly got everyone to buy tickets for, then I ended up bailing)... hubby and I debated weather to go then decided what the hey... we can always go home. Well when we got there actor-friend was there and I was in heaven.. like usual I tried to play it cool but I was just so excitied to see him. He was buggen hubby and I to go to the comedy show.. even tho we wernt sure we ended u going, and lucky me hubby ended up driven Joe and actor-friend there. Well guess who got to sit in the backseat beside each other! haha actor-friend and I, "the two lightest" was my reasoning.. anyways so things went for an interesting spin here... normally I dont push my luck and play it cool but we were talking about our core group of friends and how awesome it is. Just as we were pullen into the club actor-friend said "I just wish there was someone in our group I could get with... " I whispered in his ear "there is" and winked. haha he had this big smile, and grabbed me and gave me a little tickle and mouthed "your bad" as hubby sitten in the front of the car. so anyways we go in and sit in our groups.. the comedy was the worst I had ever heard, not one laugh! I was picken out girls for actor-friend to try to hit on. then I got bored of that and decided to hang out with the girls to get some attention and try to make him jelous.. seemed to work... for the rest of the night we kept "banging into each other" at the bar.. touching base and chatten. at one point we were talking about how he doesnt have a gf and he just looked at me, and said "if it wasnt for hubby you'd be mine" chills ran up my spine and butterflies were spinnin in my tummy. alls I said back was "that reason isnt good enough"... then ended up walking away...

i mean i know it is what it is.. im married... to his BF... but I cant help it.. I cant shut my heart off...

anyways so we were dancing and stuff the rest of the night, it was a really great night with actor-friend, hubby, and the rest of our friends..

On the way home things got interesting...
actor-friend was in a bad mood... and I was maken small talk but he was kinda quiet.. or frustrated... humm... anyways so we had a blanket over us cuz it was freezen.. when he grabbed my hand... so we were sitten there holding hands. sliding our fingers up and down each others hands while keepen up a normal conver with Joe and hubby... naturally things picked up and we were soon gropping each other and I had him unzipped and standing at attention... I kept whispering seductive things in his ear and he kept blowen me kisses and staring at me... but in the end that was it, since we couldnt figure out a way to continue our little session...

So thats where we left off last.... I wake up yesturday with a facebook msg "you... you you you you" lol I wrote back, "I think we need to finish what we started" so we will see how this goes.

But it totally made my weekend. I mean stupid I guess, hubbys in the front seat. But doesnt that just prove how much I like this guy? anyways I dono, but I'm already dying to see him again... Hope you guys all had a good weekend!

20T: My life the soap opera

ok So Friday (new Years Day) actor-friend facebooked me back about the story he said it was cool. Then he facebooked me again and asked what my e-mail was and if I'm ever on msn. I gave it to him, but said I'm never on msn but I will go on till the end of the movie i'm watching.. (I just started watching Anne of Green Gables the Sequel.. what can I say, I am a borring good girl at heart)

So I went on and not 2 minutes later he was on, we were both chatting. We talked for 4 hours it was redic. We started at like 7 and continued till 12. It was actually a great chat. although didnt make things easy since the bottom line seemed to be we both want it but its not right so whats the point. Anyways since hubby was going to be at work the next day I told him that.. and he said maybe we could go for coffee. Well I was excitied and freaked out about it. Because then its planned and stuff.. anyways actor-friend said we should sleep on it and he'd call me tomorrow afternoon...well I knew it would never happen, it would just be weird i think..

but tomorrow afternoon rolled around and no phone call came.. like not even the decency to call and bail out.. damn i was hurt. i put my heart out and was hurt. gutted.

well that afternoon my mom popped over, and two different friends popped over, and hubby came home early.. so doublely glad i didnt end up going on a lil date with him.. busted for sure..

Anyways well that night all the guys and Micki came over for a party. but I was kinda upset about what happened. I just felt like a loser.. like I'm gorgeous why do I waste my time on this guy? anyways so I had a whole bottle of wine before everyone even got there.. Micki and I were supposed to go to a movie which obv wasnt even happening any more..
anyways so I tried to be cool and play hard to get and ignor him but I was drunk.. I mean I didnt say much at first.. and eventually we got left alone downstairs for a few minutes and he came up to kiss me. and I turned my face and said thats not what you want. and then he said alright and walked away. and stupidly STUPIDLY I called him back and said it is what I wanted... and we made out..

then I went back upstairs. I went downstairs later looking for something and ran into him. and he was sleeping on the couch and I dont really remember cuz i was tanked but I think there was something about me coming to sleep with him, and I was begging him not to go home.. anyways so I was back upstairs playing a game. Micki went to bed in the spare bedroom, and hubby kicked actor-friend upstairs to sleep with Micki (I coulda killed him) So he was in there for a bit and I could hear giggling and stuff but who am I to get jelous? so I chilled with Joe and we were singing and playing guitar.. and then actor-friend comes out and said something to hubby about him not feeling right about sleeping with Micki. and I was glowing, I totally thought that was meant for me..

anyways ok so the night ended, Joe wouldnt leave us alone so I went to bed. I didnt sleep at all: so afraid actor-friend would leave, I kept waking up and checking to see if he was still there..

Then wen I noticed he did leave I went outside to say goodbye, he couldnt find his keys, I knew where they were but didnt want him to leave. so I helped him find them... finally I gave them to him and he was gone..

I find out later from hubby that actor-friend asked him if he thought Micki would sleep with him...

Micki told me that actor-friend was hitting on her hardcore...and trying to roll her over and kiss her and stuff

Wow. I am way too into this guy... anyways it broke my heart hearing all this stuff.. but I was like common, you make out with hubby, you almost made out with that Greg guy on New years, you would have done the same thing.. but still. I am so into this guy and I cant have him.

So it gets worse, hubby and I end up getting sick and we start watching movies.. well the first one was Jerry McQuire.. and damn Tom looks a but like actorfriend.. actually a lot like actor-friend... no no u are just thinking about him.. then we watched Alpha Dog, and Im like wow emile hursh kinda looks like actor-friend, specially with the scruff..
then I watch top-guy. I had never seen any of these movies before btw (top-gun, jerry mcquire)

wow. Actor-friend looks so so like Tom cruise in top gun, and their personalities are so similar and their body languages and the way he touches that girl and damn.

So I lost it. I ended up watching top gun again last night and cried myself to sleep. Once again I put my heart out when actor-friend pulled his back in.

Like how is that fair?

on the bright side Chad facebooked me... he seemed quite excitied to talk to me, guess I made an empression the other night.

However I dont want to get hurt by Chad. and I gotta stop feeling the way I do with actor-friend

like what the hell. how did i go from being stone cold against the guy to begging him to stay and haven my heart broken.. like obsessed!

I need a backbone and a game plan ladies... any advice?

20T: So much for resoultions...

So New Years, new ideals, new resoultions.

I sat down yesturday to decide on what my new years resoulutions would be. I had quite a few, but the ones worth mentioning is I want to lose 20 more pounds, and I have decided to be faithful. With these clear goals in mind I got ready to celebrate the new year!

We were at a dinner with friends and invited to a house party afterword. I went to the mall and picked up a sexy dress but didnt end up wearing it. Apparently actor-friend wasn't going to be there, he was going up north with some chick. But I really felt like he would be there. It was like it was already starting. However I was ready to give back the ring we exchanged at my wedding and positive that we could be just good buddies. Anyways so hubby and I almost didnt go to the party but after like 10 phonecalls from his friends we ended up going. Ken got me on the phone and was like you have to come actor-boy is going to be there.. like what the heck.. why do people think I care if actor-friend was going to be there... anyways determined to prove that I loved my hubby and that I was a good wife we set off to the party with a bottle of wine in tote.

Now I havent drunk in a while... I didnt even know I could drink, but once we got there all our friends were there and Ken grabbed my bottle of wine, popped her, and poured me a huge glass. So I went and chilled with the ladies.. I was having a great time, drinking and such. And sure enough actor-friend showed up. I didnt say hello at all, I continued chatting away with the girls. I saw his eyes but never met them. Anyways so I moved over to the bar and started chatting with this funny guy named Ricardo and this other boy named Greg. Ken comes over and goes into a loud announcement about how great my boobs looked and how I should cover up but don't.. I laughed it off, but covered up, but kinda worried as his gf was there... anyways so the count down began, I still hadn't talked to actor-friend. But new years went off and I was making out with hubby for quite a while before I started making my rounds with the rest of the guests. Ken grabbed me and was giving me a huge hug and actor-friend came up behind me and was hugging me from behind. Well I guess they got carried away with hands and what not and a few comments about a threesome and Kens girlfriend apparently got super pissed. Anyways so that was it for Ken, he told me he wasnt aloud to talk to me for the rest of the night. Which to me was totally redic. anyways I didnt do anything, he was being a little touchy I guess. anyways so back to actor-friend. so I ended up walking away from actor-friend after the hug and started talking to Greg again. I checked in with hubby a few more times throughout the night and gave him sexy kisses. So anyways I dono what happened but finally actor-friend and I were left alone in a spot. two seconds and we were making out. I ended up walking away from it, throwing my hands up in frustration. Anyways I was out with the girls, when Ken and his gf left, apparently they were still fighting about me, my hubby left with orders to actor-friend to take me home (how convenient), and actor-friend had made Greg leave (apparently he flipped on him for talking to me, so jelous). anyways so I was in the garage having a smoke with the girls, no I dont smoke but I was drunk, and actor-friend came out, after 5 minutes we were left alone again. Started making out again... seriously I dont know what happened....

Anyways so everyone was starting to leave the party it was about 330am and Joe grabs me. He like usual had followed actor-friend and I around the house everytime we were talking, his eyes bored into my back as if to see the thoughts and wants of our hearts. Joe demanded that I come home with him. I just looked at him shoked. I told him hubby asked actor-friend to take me home but he was like no your coming home with us right? I was so shoked and so pissed. Sick and tired of being treated like a child, for always having a bodyguard...

I agreed though, I didnt really want to end up with actor-friend, I really was wanting to be good. anyways I couldnt find my jacket and purse and actor-friend grabed me and was like what are you doing. I said I was going home with Joe, that I didnt want to fight. Then Joe calls over are you coming? And actor-friend freaks on Joe saying hubby asked him to drive me home and that he will in like 20 minutes. I was furious and stormed away from both of them. as if they can have that much control over such a stupid thing. Let me go home with whom I want. Am I child that you can protect? Like what is Joes problem. Anyways today I bitched to hubby all about what happened. All he said was I did ask actor-friend to drive you home. and that Joe and actor-friend both love me in different ways. I do not understand how my hubby is so oblivious. Although with Joe, I know he loves me as a friend, but does he protect me becuz of hubby, or does he hate that actor-friend holds my attention over him. I have yet to figure this out...

Anyways ok so Joe left and actor-friend was taking me home. We left around 400am and 2 seconds into being in the car, we were at it. We drove off to a parking lot, and were making out and what not. The farthest we went, I gave him a BJ, but I didnt even want to I just did because I did and I knew he wanted it. I dono I have mixed feelings about it all. I dono we were out until 7am in that lot. Talking and making out. He kept telling me we should just run away together, that he loved me, that we should go to Vegas and get married. That it killed him that I wasnt talking to him, and that I was talking to Greg earlier in the night. He said he is always drawn to me and he wants to find someone just like me. I mean I kept teasing him with all his comments. But I couldnt say I loved him back. I was just so confused and mad but felt like I wasn't doing anything wrong. I just wanted to stay with him, and sleep with him, wake up with him. His skin is so soft, and he's got such nice arms and hands. He's got a sexy little trail and some chest hair which he trims. He has like the 5:00 shadow going on, which chapped my lips abit but was still so soft. It took everything outta me not to strip down and just do it. ahhhhh and here I am today. Confused. Like what am I doing? and so much for resolutions. And I mean sex would prob ruin it. Half the fun is sneaking in kisses, and not so innocent chattings.

Anyways so what am I to do now. Life gets so complicated. and I am much younger then I realize. I am going to see Chad this weekend as well... I am a silly girl.

20T: The Mail Boy

Arite so I gotta start this post off on a sad note.

Back in Nov my good friend Micki came back from Cali unexpectedly. I was stoked to have her back but she was all depressed and I played it off as she was just being silly. Well a little shout out to StarGazr on this post too..

Last week Micki and I went out for a drink, random but she wanted to talk. Anyways the whole night she was talking about what went wrong in Cali and I could tell she wanted to say something else but she wouldn't. However I was pretty sure I knew what happened.. I kept saying baby and she would just look at me funny and then keep talking. Well as we were leaving we got in her car and she just turns to me and says "I had an abortion" and starts balling. I instantly started crying and I sobbed "me too" we embraced each other and just balled together for like 5 minutes. And then we told each other our stories. I never felt so close to anyone of my friends. I hated how we both wished we had the baby if it wasn't for fear for the respect of our parents. Stupid.. anyways for all those of you who have had one. I feel for you. I will never forget it or let it go, I continue to mourn on the day it took place and will never live or die and forget it. Whether in this life or the next. I will always remember. Always regret.

On a funnier note... Neighbour boy continues to be out on the porch nearly everytime I go out. I went out on the weekend to go shopping and he asked what I was doing, and I told him. Then I forgot my walet and had to come back. And he just laughed and was like that was quick. I sware he thinks I'm such a dumb blonde. Ive had a stupid conversation with him, fallen down my front porch steps infront of him, slipped on my driveway, got my car stuck, and now forgotten my walet. twice. but he didnt ask me about it the second time. he just smiled. that gorgeous smile. yummmy.

Anyways it sure is keeping my life interested and so is another interesting twist. MailBoy. I was out walking the dog and I was almost home when the dog went crazy and ran away from me. He ran up wo the mail man... but as I got closer he was a boy, well he looked about 25 and gorgeous! I caught the dog and was just like hi and all giggles. He smiled at me and said hey, I apologied about the dog and then hurried in the house knowing I was a fright to look at. But its nice to know that we didnt just move to a borring neighbourhood. Looking forward to exciting and naughty things in the new year!!

Heres to the guys we love
and Heres to the guys who love us
And if the guys we love don't love us
then screw the guys and heres to us!

Happy New Years Girls!!!

Ps. I facebooked my friends (from the baptism) brother Austin, and told him he looked gorgeous at the baptism.. I was just being nice but maybe asking for trouble... oh well trouble will him would deff be worth writing about...

20T: Finally! I played it right!

So very interested weekend...

Saturday, I was looking forward to all week, we were going to a baptism and I just knew Chad was going to be there, and since I hadn't seen him since around the time of my wedding, I was Uber excitied! So Sat I went and got my nails done, tanning, hair highlighted and cut, got a blow out and a new outfit. I wanted to look smoking hot (yes even at a baptism), but play it cool. I didnt know if I could though. I was really worried that once I seen him I would totally colapse with emotion remebering everything that was before and just melt. Anyways so we were pretty late to the baptism and sat in the back. Without my hubby noticing my eyes were searching the room intensely trying to find Chad. Then I spotted him! but no butterflies, or feelings came rushing at me. Definitely nerves though. I felt really nervous and I started to shake a bit. So as soon as the baptism was over I went to beeline it for my friend who got baptised. That way I would have to walk up to the front of the room before anyone stood up and forsure he would notice me, and hopeully stare at me and think "damn" LOL. Then I figured I would go say hello and try not to over talk and play it cool and whatever...

Well this turned out a lot better then expected.

As I went to beeline it for the front of the room about 4 people had stopped me (grabed me!) on the way up so give me big hugs and fuss over my hair and how good i looked! (since I lost 50 pds since Ive seen all these people) just the look in everyones face said it all. I got so many jelous looks too.

anyways I gave my friend a big hug and her mom and dad jumped up and gave me a huge hug (they love me, wanted me to marry their son, whos also hott) and I was totolly loven the positive attention!

then I seen their son, Austin go out to the back of the room. I went out there to say hello, totally passing Chad without noticing him, or letting him know I noticed him. But when I got out to the foyer I was grabed again by a few people. I was excitingly talking to one person, when Chad came up to me and pulled me away from the conver and was like hey!! and gave me a huge hug. I was like "hey! what are you doing here?" (he never comes out to church things, even tho I knew he'd be at this one since hes Austins bestfriend, and it was his siser who got baptized!)

He started talking to me, and I was like have you seen Austin and hes like oh, yea hes right there, and Austin came over and gave me a huge hug and was like you look awesome. I was totally loving it! anyways then Chad was like I'm busting out, and I, interested was like ok have a good one eh, and he gave me this like look, like he couldnt believe I wasnt gonna try to talk to him, and hes like yea (surpised look), say hello to the hubby, I was like I might not, and gave him a wink. And he laughed and was like yea maybe not.

Then I turned around and walked away.

Best it coulda went!! I felt I totally played it cool and I looked amazing and I felt for once, I am no longer intereted in him, but hes deff regretting a few things!

So Very good weekend! And deff, can now cross Chad off my list!


ooh and Friday we had a snow storm, and my car got stuck infront of the house, well i wasn't stuck more then 15 seconds and cute neighbour boy came out and was like are you stuck let me help you..

he helped me shovel out the car, and my driveway and chatted me up the whole time... very hott too. looking forward to the short shorts in the summer!

Hope you all had a good weekend!

20T: The next door neightbour

So yesturday my friend Micky came over, she picked me up from work and we had planned to play guitar hero...

Well as soon as I walked in the door, not 10 minutes had gone by when hubby was already bitching about the mess, the dishes, how much of a slob I am blah blah blah.

First off: Cant you piss off? I have my friend over, Dont bitch at me! jeeze!

Second: Can I walk in the door and sit down for a second? I just got off work..

Third: ok our house is as neat as a pin. beside the off sock that our dog grabs and pulls into the other room, our house is spotless! seriously I wish you could see it, then you would know how redic he is being

Fourth: Back to being hubby, that didn't take long eh girls? What 2 days and he was nasty again. Dont get me wrong of course I love him, but hes just not very nice, hes mean to me, and I dont know what else I can do to point it out to him!

Arite so thats my gripe.. moving on

So Micky and I hung out for the evening, we made tacos for dinner, walked the dog, watched some CSI, and called actor friend!! it was such a great conver! He just had some big audition for a movie so we called to see how it went. And he talked to us for like 20 minutes and it was a lot of fun. Deff the highlight of my night! we were being such high school girls on the phone too, ohhs and awws and yea.. but it just felt good to hear his voice. Is that lame? I've missed him..

So anyways this morning when I left for work, I tripped down the stairs only to see this SUPER HOTT GUY at the house next door to me shoveling the driveway! He smiled at me, stiffed a laughand said "hello". Well stupid me said" hello" but I also said "did you come by just to shovel the driveway? that was nice!" I thought he didnt live at home.. but he must have an older brother or something.. anyways he gave me a funny look and was like "well I sorta have to.." anyways I went to my car and noticed that my sidewalk was shoveled. Well stupid me again goes over to him and was like "Did you shovel my sidewalk?" hes looking at me funny and was like "no". Embarrased I was like "oh, well I was gonna say thanks to you but I guess my hubby did it! I didnt know he got up that early. I guess I better tell him thanks! Have a good day!" He said "bye".

But could I have talked anymore? I kept telling myself to shut up and he deff thinks Im a creeper and I bet hes totally regretting saying hello in the first place, and I told him I was married.. so that puts a damper on this whole thing..

I know, for lack of a better phrase, I cant "keep my dick in my pants" LOL always thinking about boys

Anyways when I drove off he waved goodbye.. so maybe he didnt read into it all...oh well I may get my adventure yet...

20T: It's not enough

This post didn't post on Monday... so I am posting it again!

So hubby and I had a heart to heart Sunday night. After he was being a jerk again all weekend as I was still feeling overly stressed.. and I had had it with his nonsympathetic, yelling, mean attitude. So anyways I told him that it really hurt me, and I was second guessing marrying him because I dont think he takes care of me, and that I am scared to have kids with him because I don't see or feel the honest love anymore, and I was explaining how hes always angry and yelling at me and that I feel like I am walking on egg shells all the time. Anyways he started crying and apologized profusly and said he never wanted to lose me, I remained a little hard, not willing to give in to it. I've heard his apologies before. It was actions I wanted.

Well he was very sweet to me for the rest of the night and yesturday (Sunday). He went to bed with me, did the dishes, and came with me when taking the dog out. Tonight (Monday) I came home and he had a little candlelight dinner made for the two of us. I was/am deff very shocked by all of this. I mean truthfully that is the guy I feel in love with. We are an amazing team and a great couple.

Yet it's not enough

I find my mind wandering like crazy lately.. wanting that adventure that new love brings. I know I should be satisfied with my perfect hubby, my perfect house, job, dog, but its not enough. Am I crazy? Of course I dont want to screw it all up but I cant help feeling empty.

My life has always been so predictable. I need something. I mean why does that something even have to be a guy? but of course it does.. as u know thats just how I operate... I will be seeing Chad this weekend and my mind is whirling... but why do I want to start up something again with him? I know where that leads, to a very dark place...

I've been reading the book series Twilight, and I am so jelous of bella. I want a guy that holds me like that, who looks intently at me, who stirs up something in me..

I know Im married. Thats the sad part. Its like my life is over. now all I have is death. I've kissed childood goodbye... my teenage years are long gone

It's funny, I went for a walk on the weekend, to explore my new neightbourhood and we have all these walking trails at the end of the street. I chose one and I just thought of how exciting this is, to be living in a new place, a new neighbourhood.. yet I don't feel an adventure...

You wait your whole childhood for love, for your wedding day.. but once it's over I dono what do you look forward to next? kids? not interested yet.. I am still too young and my mind is to over the place.... I guess I'm feeling lost.

20T: Birthday Pains

So it was my birthday on Thursday, 23! Wow I feel so old and mentally I still feel like I'm 17 so new in the world...

Anyways so I was really sick on my birthday, and I had to get medication from the docs, which I started on Wed... so things were going ok, I still didn't feel that good on Friday, actually I had begun to feel cloudy and almost like I was high... by Friday night it had gotton a lot worse but I assumed it was just my meds. So I took my meds right before I went to sleep on Friday night hoping that the meds would wear off by Sat morning as I had adams work brunch to go too and sat night was our big open house.

Well I was right about one thing.. it was the meds... I woke up extremely high and out of it.. hubby calmed me down and got me to go back to sleep. But when I woke up in the morning no affects had left me.. it was much worse. I was still high, dilusional, hullcinating, and shaking. I felt like my brain was bleeding and tingaly all over. I was panicing and that sure as hell didnt help. I told all this to hubby and he told me to have a shower and get ready for his work party. I did but the feelings wernt going away. He said I would feel better once we were on the road.. gullible I got into the car with him and prepared for the hour and a hlaf drive to the place for brunch. 15 minutes into the ride I was in hysterics. I was so scared and creaped out and felt so weird! I thought I was dyiing. I wanted to go home but hubby wouldnt take me. He told me to shut up and relax. I was so upset but so out of it and scared I didnt want to be alone.. anyways I freaked out for the entire trip I tried to stay calm but couldnt. when we go there I went right up to the bar and started drinking. I had drank 5 bottled of water in 10 minutes, trying to get whatever was in my system out.. i asked adam to leave and he wouldnt... it was so horrible. I never hated him so much.. anyways all in all it was ok. talking to people took my mind off my high and drinking water was helping me pee it out but I didnt feel right.. we went home after about 2.5 hours and the ride home was a bit better... I went to lay down when we got home but I kept getting the brain bleed feeling and being all naucous and shaki... people started arriving for my birthday and I was a wreck, and tryig to push back the tears... hubby kept yelling at me to grow up and snap outta it.. i couldnt... anyways when my bestfriend arrived she got on the phone and called the pharmacist.. after about 10 minutes she came over to me and said I was having severe side affects from the meds.. I was having hallunincations and a nervous system breakdown.. I had to eat, drink, and stay warm.. So basically the rest of the night everyone took turns taking care of me. at one point my best friend wanted to drag me to the hospital. and hubby flipped out in front of everyone that I was over reacting and that I was fine.. even tho I was shaking.. he looked like such an asshole... so Joe and Abby (my best friend) took me to the bed room and put me to bed and were sitting with me, and trying to calm me down and make me eat.. actor friend came and visited me a few times, hes had an overdose before and was pretty worried.. he kept bringing me a heating pad and watching the size of my pupils... anyways so I finally got to sleep, Sunday was much better and by Monday morning I was pretty much back to normal... but what a crazy weekend. So here we are on Wednesday and I dont feel right about teh way my hubby treated me.. I'm still pretty upset and scared about it. like how he could be so cold and cruel when I needed him.. anyways so thats that. but our relationship is deff back to rockly ground.

in other news..

when we were packing Joe asked me what happened on the night of the accident, aka what was i doing with actor-friend that night... luckily hubby walked into the room right then and Joe said nevermind.. he knows something was up.. but had the respect to drop it, although I dont think this is the last of this conversation..

also Chad msg me on facebook.. wished me a happy birthday, asked me what was going on, how I was doing... I wrote him back today (a lil over a week later) turns out he will be playing hockey the same place as my hubby on sat nights... we'll see how this goes..


Anyways sorry for all the posts and rambling! Just wanted to update you all! Hope you're all doing well!

20T: Moving Day

So it was the day of our big move and all the guys showed up to help and my mom. Micki ditched.. I was kinda pissed but whatever... the day went by pretty good I wasnt much help but the guys did like everything. But they were all flirting with me... Ken kept putting his arm around me and making jokes with me, actor friend kept giving me the eyes, and then Parker (hubbys older friend 32 ) kept trying to hit me with a hockey stick. I ended up shoving me and he grabed me and picked me up in front of all the guys and made quite the spectacle.. guys are so redic.. but i was loven the attention.. although Ken kept telling me that he knew what was going on and stuff.. i didnt know what that meant.. I thought maybe actor-friend has said something to him so I was kinda nervous..

anyways so we finally got the keys to the house and moved in and the guys stuck around to unpack us and put together our IKEA furniture... Ken left at this point and I gave him a big hug and he made me walk him out the door and was like were gotta sleep together right? and at first it took me a moment to realize wat he said, but when I did I smacked him and he started laughing, winked at me and then got in his car and drove off.... I mean sure funny, but turst me there is truth to what he said.. i cant believe these guys, I sware i must have a sign on me that says PLEASE FLIRT WITH ME: DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION

anyways when I went back inside everyone was bascily working in partners and Actorfriend and I ended up working together.. on some stupid stupid IKEA peice that for the life of us we could not figure out how to put it together.. although we had so much fun.. at first it was awkward like usual but then we kept smirking each time someone said, put it in that hole, thats too big, shove it in there, screw this, haha bascilly all the childish jokes and phrases you could think of we were diing laughing half way through the project and having such a great time.. until hubby and Joe came over to see how we were doing and kicked us out for being too slow.. we ended up having a beer together in the kitchen... actor-friend said that was the best time he had in a while, and told me about his gf he just broke up with and blah blah... we were having a good chat and time together.. but still that flicker in his eyes and prob mine.. i dono if being friends will ever work... but it was a good time... anyways so we are now all moved in!

20T: I'm Back

I'm back ladies!

I know I said I was given this up to devote my life to my husbend and all things good but turns out life has a different idea.. so I decided to catch you all up on what has been happening! So when I left off we were moving that weekend... so Friday night comes around and Micki pops over with Lium. I am so not a huge fan of Lium. He tried to steal me away from my hubby wen we were frist dating, and a whole lotta crap along with that. anyways Micki loves Lium. But Lium is a self centered ass. Anyways so back to the story.. they came over to our apartment on Friday night, even tho I was practically in bed and made me go out to a club with them. Well I hadnt seen Lium in like 2 years so he was gaping at me. since I've lost 50 pounds now! So I played it up to my advantage and tried on a million outfits for my "hubby" after him telling me each one was too short and too tight i ended up going with pants and a shirt. Lium pulled me aside and asked suductively if I was going to take my pants off in the car.. i gave him a devalish smile and replied yes... so that was that.. we went to the club and the whole time Lium was following me around pointing out all the guys that were staring at me, calling me a celebrity. he deff felt proud to be with me.. Poor Micki.. anyways I was exhusted by the end of the night, and sick of being grabbed and propositioned by ever guy there.. so they took me home and I am vowing never to go to a club again... we'll see how that holds up but I am so sick of those gross guys. although some were cute but I wasnt there to pick up...

anyways ok so Sat night we were finished up packing when Ken (formally called Max and Steve in this blog, I will now be calling him Ken, easier to remember) called us over to play cards. we went over and Joe had picked me up a bottle of white wine, which i love.. well an hour into a boring game of cards and i had unknowingly finished the whole bottle! needless to say I didnt last long and had to go home. I was sick the entire night, which then turned into being sick all sunday why we packed and continued to feel ill on Monday during the big move..

20T: Lesson Learned

Alright ladies... this here is my last and final post.. I will be shutting this down at the end of November...

So i've been doing a lot of thinking lately.. about my life, my husband, what I've done, the choices I've made... and I've come to a final conclusion about all the men in my life.

None of them were, are, or will ever be as great as my hubby. Not one kiss was better then our first. Not one touch gives me more butterflies then my husbands. And not one of those guys would I ever want to spend a lifetime with... a few days at most! so in figuring that out, I accept that it is all a lust, not love. and therefore know I have the strength to turn down these opportunities.. not saying it will be easy... even tho my hubby and I go through rough times and can fight really really bad. I love him with all my heart and i would only have kids with him, I really only want him to see me naked, and only him to grow old with.. I will just have to be eye candy only! not a free taste-test..

I'm quite discusted with myself, although what can I do, I just hope I can stay loyal. I would never ever want to hurt him... nor could I live if he ever left me...

So in saying and feeling all of this... I missed three nights out with my hubby and his friends, and they were all apparently asking about it... (its nice to be missed, leave em wanting more baby!) anyways so on Friday my hubby was over at Max's house with the boyz and he begged me to come over... I did.. looking hott as hell! I had a born to reign tshirt on with a pair of black skinny pants... and a jean jacket... i looked like a sexy biker chic,.. anyways within moments of walking in the door all the guys were around me chatten to me, poking fun at me and my outfit, then they took my jean jacket off me and were trying it on... it was nice to be missed, but i walked over to my hubby and landed him a big kiss and sat on his lap... Actor friend then asked if anyone wanted to play cards. I said I was in and everyone else followed suit (no pun intended!) there were 6 girls there and they all left within 5 mins of my arrival, i guess they thought i was competition!

anyways i played with the boys for 2 hours and they poked fun at me the whole time.. then I annouced I was leaving and went to play with Max's dog for a bit, I go a few wines from the boys and a baby eyes look from actorfriend.. he kept mouthing dont leave.. why are u leaving? he came over to talk to me for a minute "going to the bathroom" and i jsut said I was tired but I'd see him next time... ARENT U LADIES PROUD OF ME! anyways next day they had a poken tournie again.. and I didnt go!!

so therefore I will be faithful! I know I can do it! Hope you ladies had a good weekend!

20T: I sware I didn’t start it

Ok so not a particularly eventful weekend, I was sick so I didn’t end up going out.. never the less interesting events occurred..

We did a whole lot of packing this weekend.. it felt so good and we were reminissing about our apartment… our first home.. anyways to pay tribute we decided to have sex in all the rooms and on all the surfaces of our apartment! Haha SO MUCH FUN! Seriously! I cant wait till we christen our house! Sex has really improved since I lost the weight.. I think it’s also becuz I’m not insecure anymore.. anytime anywhere anyplace.. I feel like I’m a teen again!

next I got my cell phone hooked up again.. I’ve really not had one since I got married… It tends to cause to many problems and I have too many late nite drunk phone calls.. but I already have facebook what more trouble could a cell phone cause?... I can be trusted with a phone right? Right??

So Friday night I wasn’t feeling so great but I really wanted to go to the mall and catch up on the latest fashions… (once again budget smudgetit…) So I was busting through like a million stores and was getting really hot.. so I decided to save time and heat I would just throw my shirt in my purse and only wear my coat.. so that worked out ok till I ran outta time and didn’t have time to put my shirt back on.. so whatever I would just stick it out till I got home.. my hubby calls and tells me his bestfriend Joe is worken at the mall still and I should meet up with him and bus back home with him… so whatever cool.. I’ve done it lots of times before.. so I go meet up with Joe and hes closing down a store.. and hes like take your coat off im gonna be a while.. and I burst out laughing and explain my situation and he was laughing but he’s like “rweaalay…” I have never seen that look in his eyes before! Anyways im not reading into it we go home together the entire time I am bitching about how hot I am, we get up to my apartment and I had forgotten my keys! Locked out! Dying of heat! So Joe suggests I take my coat off.. but oh yea.. and hes like well just change right here, no ones around.. while hes staring right at me… like is this for real? Anyways hes like my brother and hes seen me in a bikini so it wasn’t like a big deal but I was just taken a back by his suggestion.. anyways I said I’d go around the corner and do it.. which I did.. but I dono it was different.. then he brought it up like 8 times that night with hubby around that I was naked under my jacket.. get over it bud! I dono..


Anyways so I’ve had a few busy days but then yesterday morning some random totally gorgeous guy facebooks me to start trouble.. he wants to chat, maybe meet up, and whatever he’s like from Vancouver… so at first I was like buddy I’m married, but he totally apologizes.. so I thought wow hes a nice guy, and I write him back some flirty comment about being down for innocent chats but if hes ever in the city cant guarantee it being innocent.. and it was a pretty good line but sarcastic and thinking it would never happen.. well turns out he moved here recently and just hasn’t updated his facebook.. lol so now aren’t I a lot of smack talk? Anyways I guess I can cut all ties.. but where would be the fun in that?

So last night was salsa class! I brought Micki from Cali with me.. she was interested in possibly signing up… anyways she sat out the entire time saying she was too embarrassed to try.. too bad but I had a lot of fun… anyways after the class was over she’s like the instructor has the hots for you.. and I was like what? And shes like I caught him starring at your ass the whole class! And I was like that’s his job! He’s gotta make sure I am moving right! But anyways he is cute.. but I am a happily married women. I am a happily married women. I am a happily married women.. I am a………

So what are your ladies plans for the weekend? I’m still sick but in the mood to party! I got invited to a slumber party with a bunch of new girls, which I better attend if I want to still make girlfriends.. I really want to go to a club tho! I better find some female dates fast! Its also UFC this weekend so the boys will be over.. and its one of Adams friends birthday! So we will have to pick and choose our events.. however life has been a little borring.. I hope something exciting happens this weekend..

20T: Boundaries

Well where has the time gone.. I can't believe I haven't updated this in almost two weeks... Since we are packing for the big move it's all I can think of! I also sold all of our furniture so I could buy new stuff for our house.. haha I know budget smudgeit.. LOL My house gotta look dope! lol anyways ok ok back to the biz..

Cali friend (Micki) came home! So stoked to have her back, but she hasn't been doing too well.. she's all depressed and what not.. personally I think it's from lack of attention.. which I'm good at getting.. so I invited her out for a night on the town and she wouldnt go!.. like as if!.. she's been over at my house watching movies like crazy.. i am so bored of watching TV! anyways so whatever..

on the weekend hubbys friend moved just down the street from where we bought our house.. crazy! such a stocker... but we all have no idea how he afforded it and all of a sudden up and bought this place.. Anyways his name is Steve.. he somehow always has money and always has a new company.. we think hes full of it.. never the less he had a party on sat nite to celebrate the move..

natch i went with Micki in tow.. or vice-versa she went crazy at the licquor store and was so pumped to go to this party... the party tho was supa dull.. but i'll point out a few highlights... Micki got sick (big shock) and wanted to leave.. as I was walking her out to the cab Actor friend grabs me and says your not leaven are you? I deff felt wanted, specially since we didnt really get a chance to even look at each other all night.. I just raised my eyebrow at him.. said no and walked Micki out to the cab... then when I came in Actor friend was trying to rally up everyone to play cards.. which is our little thing.. we always pretend we're trying to organize a game knowing no one else will play and it will just be us... well played actor-friend, i'm in... so I started playen cards with actor friend and immediatly he asked me about the wedding.. so we were getting right to a hush hush conversation... I totally forgot that was the last time we had communicated.. when I had made a drunken ass out of myself.. anyways i joked about it and mentioned the fact that he missed my big singing performance.. I could tell we were getting ready for a randy conver when hubby came over to join us.. we played cards for a bit.. it was going ok but I started to get really tired! I was poppen Oxy codene (sp?) pills and they were wearing off... NO THAT IS NOT A SERIOUS DRUG! I'M NOT ADDICTED JUST STILL ON A DIET AND GOTTA WATCH MY SUGA LEVELS! anyways so wen actor friend and hubby went outside for a moment I went over to laydown on the couch, which was full.. but Joe (hubbys best friend) was sitten on a chair and shuffled over so I could laydown with him.. and I passed out.. PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP THATS ALL! anyways so when everyone was ready to leave hubby had picked me up to take me home and I woke up only to see Actor friend staring at me with this soft look.. It was so sweet, so hard to explain, it looked like love and hurt and awe'ing. I dono it was like he wanted to be laying with me and was jelous that I was with Joe, but also it looked like he cared and wanted to take care of me.. anyways it was the first time I ever seen him look at me that way... it deff hit a nerve... so as we started out the door actor-friend "casually" mentioned that he couldnt drive.. natch we told him to come crash at our place which he did.. I had a feeling something could happen.. but as soon as I got home I just put on sexy PJs.. went out infront of the boys to "grab a drink" and then I went to bed.. nothing wrong with teasing is there?

Anyways laying with Joe musta really started something with Actor friend, hubby mentioned to me the next day that Actor friend came out and told me that "his wife is sleeping with his best friend" which hubby and i both thought was funny, but I also new that actor-friend was a bit jelouse...

Anyways so all in good fun but I have been dreaming about actor-friend all week. Its driving me crazy.. I think I really love him.. which is so screwed up.. I gotta start putting up boundaries... I think I'm gonna start calling him by his last name again all the guys call him by that and I used to before he asked me to call him by his first name.. its a simple thing but It will just be a reminder that hes off limits.. as well this weekend Steve invited all the boyz over for a poker night with beer and hookers.. lucky me I was on this invitation list... lol anyways i dont think i'm gonna go.. i need to stop hanging out with hubbys friends so often.. it hurts to say that but i gotta, i love hubby were doing so good I dont wana screw it up.. and if i'm gonna screw it up I should go and do it with Chad not with actor friend..

speaking of Chad.. I'm debating weather I should borrow my parents car and go see him.. I really want to show off how fab I look and I want a bit of that kinda excitement that he brings back in my life.. I know maybe a bad idea or maybe just maybe I can leave him wanting me for once.. its a gamble but is it worth it?

So Sat night plans... poker nite with the boyz or can I rally up some girls for a nite on the town and wind up at poker nite? humm this is gonna get interesting.. half naked.. totally in the bag and just me and hubbys friends... what? boundaries? who said anything about those? LOL

20T: Whaaaat? Did that just happen?

Ok so where to begin..

Friday Night was Ladies Night! And I went.. I almost chickened out several times but I went!

Worried about what to wear, I tried on every single outfit I had that could be worn at a club. I finally settled on a coral orange mini dress that hugged in all the right places and made me stand out. I was definitely happy with my choice knowing I would make a statement! With the outfit done I hopped in the shower for a spa like treatment (exfoliating, shaving, lavishing, conditioningI also put baby oil all over my legs for a smooth and shiny finish! ) Next I blew my hair out straight and added in blonde extensions. Really Hott!! So I finished my makeup and put on my dress, am ready to leave when I notice that the oil hadn’t been rubbed in enough on the top of my legs and I had stains on my dress on the back!! I was so upset! Needless to say I couldn’t get them out and had to change.. so I ended up with a mini black dress that had to back and the front pluged to my weist.. all in all I should have gone with this numba in the beginning.. true not a bright color, but damn I looked fierce…

So I met up with my gf and we headed over to her friends, as if I wasn’t worried about the night enough it turns out her friend lives right beside my extremely string uncle and aunt (who love telling on me btw!) Luckily I don’t think they ever saw me… anyways so we drank a bit there I met the girls we would be hanging out with and I was totally stoked! I figured I had made it and I found new friends! Anyways we got to the club and it was a pretty good night, but somehow I was bombed, I had three drinks over the perios of like 5 hours but I was bombed! Anyways luckily I had these girls who were protecting me from all the sleeze bags but not from them… haha I ended up making out with one of them!!! Which I know every girl does but.. I dono the next day it didn’t sit well with me.. I felt like I had lowered my own personal standards.. but we’ll get back to that thought… So anyways all in all the club was pretty awesome, we danced with a lot of guys (I tried pushing them away I really was there just for my girls!) A bouncer actually had to kick two guys out for me I find out later since they were stalking me and grabbing me (once again I was bombed..) but a good time had by all.

The next day we had my hubbies buddies stag and doe.. I was supposed to hang out with my gf from cali but she ditched me all weekend and then called me yesterday to say she was to depressed to go out. (our other friend already told me she hung out with her both days…) anyways! So the stag an doe.. my next time seeing actor-friend and ready for the game on! Figuring what to wear again.. I didn’t want to look over dressed but I didn’t want to blend in either.. I ended up in crock heals, a brown mini skirt, and a purple top. I curled my hair for the first time and looked hot (naturally! LOL)

So we get there and the 1^st guy e see was Joel, he just looks at me and goes “whoa” then cocks his head at hubby.. it was quite funny. He gave me this big hug and my hubby left me to get drinks and tickets. Then the rest of the guys came over to introduce themselves to me hahaha and all ended up giving me hugs.. I didn’t think I looked that diff with curly hair but whatever… so the night went on we were all drinking and hanging out actor-friend comes over and sits with me and Joe. Playing it cool I kind of ignor him as he tries to add in to Joes and my conversation. (we were looking around looking for potential hook-ups for him) and actor-friend chirps that he’s now into married women and stares at me. Like how cocky and stupid is that? I just said oh yea? And continued my conver… not to say I wasn’t intrigued but what he said or what he meant, and not like Joe would catch on.. ahh if he wasn’t so fricken hot and those damn eyes… anyways we were all dancing later (I kept my distance from actor-friend to his demise) anyways It was like 1:30 and I walked out of the bathroom only to have actor-friend grab me, pin me up against the wall, and start kissing me. I was so shoked by the boldness, afraid of getting caught, it was so heat.. it more ways then one.. anyways we heard footsteps and broke apart only to see Joe look at both of us and ask if everythings ok.. haha I died on the spot and murmered st and left the two of them chatten.. I went out the backstairs to run smack into Joel who was also drunk.. He was wearing this hat and put in on me we were jokin around up to this point and then hes like wow you look amazing in that hat.. no one looks good in that hat.. then the conversation went to all the things he could do to me and I quote “make me burn” he picked me up and sat me on the back of the truck and had his arms on both sides of my legs not letting me move or get down… anyways luckily my hubby and actor-friend and joe all came out right then and Joel backed off… but what the hell!? I was drunk but mad that I knew he was taken adv of that… anyways the boys decided we were going to go to a park around the corner… yea around the corner my ass.. we had to troup through a thick bush to get there, me in heals and a skirt, I wounded up with a million bites and scratches and Joel and actor-friend were both ”helping me” at every opportunity they saw… anyways after an eventless walk we stumbled into the park and hubby called a cab-van to take us all back to our place (there were 2 other guys with us) anyways I end up in the back with actor-friend beside me and Joel beside him.. I had already talked to actor-friend on our little “hike” about what was going on with Joel and he picked up the signals.. Joel was reaching behind him and caressing me, my hair, my butt, whatever he could touch and I couldn’t say a damn thing… I froze I didn’t know what to do! Anyways actor-friend was no help, I could see he was jelous and he just leaned forward and ignored it.

At home things didn’t go much better we were all hanging out when I went to lie down and pass out in the bedroom. Sure enough actor-friend and Joel and one of the other guys came in and were all chillen on the bed too (quite normal actually we’ve got a king and everyone loves chillen on it) the lights were off tho and Joels hands were going everywhere, up my skirt everything.. and I had actor-friend on the other side of me..

Anyways so that was bascally my night… so here are the conclusions.. I would never do anything with Joel, I’m not a random type a girl, and I am appalled at the fact that he would hit on his bff wife so hard.. True this is what actor-friend does but it’s different, we have a thing, feelings, and we’ve talked about it, not just some cheap drunken trick… anyways so I dono what to do about this Joel situation or even actor-friend..

But reflecting on my weekend I feel really slutty. Like a girl should be able to go out with her friends, hang out with her hubby have a good time and go home.. instead I feel guilty about everything because something unplanned always happens and I dono how to turn the events once in motion. I feel terrible… my hubby deserves better than this, and I don’t want to be treated like a skank… on the other half I wish my hubby would pay more attention to me when were out and maybe this shit wouldn’t happen.. I mean its obv his friends notice his lack of attention and presence..

However I’m not about to promise no more clubs and actor-friend.. man I am so screwed up!